Thoughts…

Again, I should be doing my homework, but I feel the need to write something out first. Get this out before I flip out because this idea keeps bugging me. Hmm… let’s do this.

I’m feeling a little lost. Anxious. Nervous. Confused. Tired. Really, really annoyed. I just don’t feel good. I want to say that this is just something that will pass, but will it? I mean, maybe it does pass, but is it really gone? I don’t know, that’s another talk for another day. Moving on…

I want to talk about it, but I feel like I’m haggling the ones I’ve already talked to. I want to talk to someone else, and I know there is someone else, but I don’t have the guts to do it. Hmm, I probably do have the guts, but what is holding me back? I probably have this answer. My hesitations: someone else shouldn’t get involved, this is like the past repeating itself, and I believe there might be something emotionally at stake for me. I feel like the answer is in sight, but the possible repercussions keep me blind. I want to jump in with hopes that something good will happen, but if this is a repeat of the past… well… so help me. I don’t want to ruin a possibly good thing.

So, you see, this is a little problematic. I have the option, but the consequences that come with the option very well screws me over. There are some things that happen during my mental war of “talk or not to talk” which make me think that I should talk. There are these little things that look like signs, but are they really signs or what I want to think are signs? Fuck. Ha. Do I believe that maybe something is out there keeping an eye out for me or do I believe that this is just a dream and I’m just doomed to fail? I don’t know. I’m tired. I’m scared. I want this to stop.

I want to be able to breathe and feel… okay. I’d rather be okay and feel a little miserable than feel completely miserable. I may look okay, but am I really okay? I could simply be wearing a mask because… it’s not worth showing the pain. I’d probably be caught in a web of shit and no one would know. Who knows? You’d have to ask.