Crushed

It wasn’t as if I meant to say what I said that day. Everything came off as a ramble, which led to a little more than expected. From a simple conversation about a confession to one crush which turned into another confession. That amused me because who would’ve thought that I would confess my feelings, to some extent, to two people on the same day? In retrospect from the last couple of weeks, I’m amused, confused, frustrated, happy, sad, angry, and really, really tired. It was a crush that turned into something more. At this moment, I would rather feel crushed than feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Here we go again, ladies and gentlemen. Yours truly decided to do what she did once before that led to relatively dire consequences. Maybe they aren’t dire, but there are consequences that arose from what I did. Just a couple of years ago, I decided to tell my crushes I liked them and of course it happened in a very short time span, though the span of this was way shorter, but the outcomes are similar. That first time, that wasn’t exactly great. I chose the worst time ever because it was Christmas, I mean really now. I knew what both people were going to say and I was relatively prepared for it, but I still want to slap myself for picking Christmas of all times to get let down. I’m over it now, that time has come and gone, but this time, I don’t know how I feel. Well, I do know how I feel and it kind of sucks.

This time around, I told both my crushes that I liked them. I knew the outcome of one because I saw the signs that countered any kind of other weirdly patterned coincidental incidents I experienced. A simple note, but I didn’t receive a reply that same moment, though I did end up seeing a sign that completely blindsided me. I was sort of prepared for that, but it still sucked. I thought to myself, ‘I need to talk to someone, a friend, because at this very moment, life is a little bit of a downer,’ but I said that more crudely in my mind. I went to see a friend and decided to tell them what just happened a few minutes ago. I laughed at myself thinking how odd it was talking to my friend about the other crush because, really, I have a crush on my friend, too. I knew I had a crush on this person a while back, but circumstances given back then, I knew it wouldn’t work out.  To be perfectly frank, it was just plain weird talking to my crush about another crush. I didn’t notice how strange it was until that moment. My crush with my friend, I managed to suppress it for a long while, but apparently my subconscious wouldn’t leave me alone just as soon as I started to talk to my friend again. I thank myself for confusing me like this.

Talking to said friend, that was fine until I started to feel really ridiculous and thought to myself ‘what the hell, I might as well say something now while I’m on this roll. If I get let down here, at least I’m dealing with it all in one shot instead of multiple events’. Right now, I shake my head because I think my timing was not pretty with that. I don’t even think my approach was good at all; just do it because you have the opportunity. No idea what I was thinking then – I don’t think I was even thinking when I spoke at all. I ended up indirectly implying that I had a crush on said friend. Smart, eh? An indirect verbal statement that probably made no sense to my friend and why do I say that it made no sense; well even I had no idea what the hell I said. I’m really glad to have said that we’d continue that conversation later.

Thank goodness for technology, that is all I have to say. If I kept talking, I knew that I would either get in trouble because I wasn’t home yet or I would start to blabber on like an idiot. Despite that getting in trouble was a concern, sounding like an idiot was a lot more of a concern. Yeah, I’m really lame like that. Anyways, I was supposed to be studying at that point, but I decided to finish that conversation instead. That was definitely not the best decision. After finally getting back on the same page, because my cryptic statements confused both of us, one thing led to another and next thing I knew, I had lost any kind of mental capacity. Way to go. I felt like I was brain dead for a little while, but that meant I was brain dead for the rest of the night. Anyways, the conversation went well and I understood what was going on, or so I thought. Somehow, I knew that when I awkwardly replied I had ended it in such a way that there was something else on my mind. I didn’t mean to end what I said that way, but my fingers typed faster than I could think and it seemed like I had to say ‘…but…’ as if there was something else. I didn’t know what else I could’ve said at that moment, but time had cut that conversation short and it didn’t help that my mind froze for a very long time leading to complete and utter silence. Though, as the night went on, I started to understand why I said what I unconsciously typed.

Day later, I was acting a little bit like a fool. I managed to talk to someone who knew about this crush long before and how it seemed to have defied the odds of back then, but the new odds that were brought up were a little disconcerting. Unfortunately for me, even at this point in time, I really don’t know what the odds are. I know that they’re bad, but I have no idea as to how bad they are. Though, talking to that someone who already knew, that was good, until said person decided to jinx it by putting a percentage on it. I mean, was putting a percentile on the chances of it happening really necessary? For god’s sake, it was a percentile that didn’t even reach 50%. That was a little disheartening. Well, when little old me decided to analyze and then overanalyze the situation at hand, that was when I was ridiculously disheartened. I respected the decisions we laid out the night before, but somehow I couldn’t keep up with them. I was confused as hell. It sucked! The day ended horribly because I ended up receiving a reply to my note from my other crush and that really sucked. The day before had a balance: I saw a sign of getting let down only to be pulled up again when I got an answer I was good to live with; one confession saved the day, but there was nothing to save this day when I received the reply. A little awkwardness, but it turned out all right because we still talk. But, the following day after this, holy batman.

I knew something would go wrong. I mean, whenever I’m really happy, something tends to go wrong. Maybe I’m cynical like that and maybe I’m a little pessimistic, but you can’t blame me for being so when most things in my life have fallen in some great depression. It was the calm before the storm and little would I know that the storm was two days later. It feels really slow as if we had that conversation a month ago, but realistically, it hadn’t even been a week yet. Oh the great depression of October ’09. That was just amazing in my eyes to see how emotionally confused I was and still am. Having been used to analyze everything, because with my parents you have to read between the lines just to avoid crossing them, I read a little too deep into the situation. I already agreed to where we were and yet I felt like everything was still up in the air. Feeling that torn despite nothing actually happening, it was weird and really stupid when I look back on it. I think I cared a little too much and I still think I do. That night was very interesting in the sense that everything that happened shouldn’t have happened then and there, it should’ve happened about two months later. What was I thinking? I knew what I was getting into and yet I still tore myself apart. I didn’t help my friend either because I felt like I added to the already present stress. Not the greatest move, clearly. That conversation looked like we were breaking up, but we weren’t even together to begin with. Holy batman, I’m just glad that it worked out the next day. The night just killed me and the morning after – I felt like I was dealing with a hangover.

The morning after was what I dreaded. I hoped that I could not see my friend for a while because I knew that I would break if I saw them. In my head, I knew that being a friend was all we could be, but it hurt a little too much in the sense that I was breaking my heart just to be a friend, but at the same time not being their friend would just hurt both of us. Why hurt two people when there is that opportunity for only one to hurt? That doesn’t exactly sound pleasant, but the less pain that spread, the better.

Anyways, talking had to occur at some point. Not clearly defining what was going on was not helpful, for me at least. Being used to having structure, what was happening then was not helping my already growing confusion. I tried talking, but that failed on so many levels. I grew nervous and ended up losing sight of my original intent and I just chickened out. Whatever I had to say then, I still have to say it now because I’m just hurting at this point. I tried talking, but I failed. It sort of worked, but it didn’t give me what I wanted: peace of mind.

The failed talk led me to more confusion and basically I was on the verge of losing my mind. I mean, I knew that I shouldn’t have put myself in the position of constantly wondering of what will happen next, but I did. There really is no answer for the question of ‘what will happen next’, but I tried to push for an answer and pushing for an answer is definitely not the way to go. Well, after that failed attempt of trying to piece my mind together, I ended up throwing my brain to the wall for the next while until now.

I talked to my cousin, who is pretty much like a sibling to me, decided to pry through my brain and that conversation ended well. When I say ‘well’, I say it loosely and sarcastically. That was a very enlightening conversation because my cousin reaffirmed every cynical and pessimistic thought that was present in my mind the night I confessed my feelings as well as all the days after. My god was that just eye-opening because as much as I trust my cousin’s advice, it just felt wrong even though it felt right. What was I supposed to do next? I was supposed to avoid my friend at all costs to collect myself and see if all the time I spent was actually worth it or if I basically just wasted my time.

Avoidance = failure on my part. I have no self-discipline apparently. I tried for a couple of days and it worked because it was the damn weekend, but when the school week started again, well I failed miserably. I tried to be cool about everything, but looking back at how I acted and reacted, I was anything but cool. I fell into stalker mode, idiot mode, and stupid mode. That was just great…just great. I managed to say to myself that right now I’d rather be a friend who’s supportive letting whatever happens to happen, instead of being the hopeless romantic who’s hoping that something will happen, but that only worked out for a couple of days until I realized how close I’ve been getting.

I think I just turned into what I didn’t want to be: clingy. Then again, I question myself if I really was clingy with all the texting and always starting the conversation and stuff. Was I really being clingy or was I simply trying to unravel a mystery? I feel like I’m doing a lot of work and I’m not sure if I should be doing this much work or if I’m supposed to feel like I’m doing work. From what I understand, my friend seems withdrawn sometimes, but it kind of sucks for me that I’m wracking my brain and doing so much that it looks really wrong; wrong that it looks like I’m prying or looking like a hassle. I just feel like it’s unfair that I’m always making the first move. Maybe those I’ve talked to were right, that this wasn’t meant to be. I’ll accept it when I’ve been told this.

Being caught floating in between reality and dreams, it isn’t fair. Being caught in the middle, even though we said that the middle shouldn’t exist, it just hurts. Being who we were prior my confession is difficult because the lines of friendship became a blur. This looks so complicated in my eyes, but it’s so simple.

I really need everything to be figured out or my friend will become the bane of my existence. As I write this, my head is starting to hurt and I have a feeling that tomorrow I’ll feel like I’m trying to struggle through a hangover again. Tomorrow, I hope I get my answers because right now, I’m having trouble just seeing and talking to you. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t say anything because being semi-rejected (or what feels like being semi-rejected) is worse than being rejected all together. I love you, but it hurts to love you like this.

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~ Never Far Behind by Aly and AJ

It really depends on your perspective when you read that title. What do you think I mean when I say “Never far behind?” Do you think I’m talking about reality? The problems that come with our life? Friends? Family? Well, this is what I mean when I say “Never far behind”.

I guess that today I’m feeling a little emotional. Heh, my friends will ask “since when have you not been emotional?” and I’ll say “FU!” Kidding! I’m just kidding! I probably wouldn’t say “FU!” per sé, but I’ll probably stare at the person blankly and shake my head. Anyways! You can say that I’m more emotional today than usual. But then, another person will say- well whatever, that’s another story or problem for another day.

Today, it was a good day. Woke up feeling energetic, ready to face the day, had my essay in my binder, had my iPod and cellphone charged, got my skates cleaned and the weather wasn’t too bad. I almost got hit by a car on the way to class, but whatever… that was just weird. I rolled into class- more like dragged and wheeled into class, but overall it was a good class. Though, sometimes I ask myself why I go through that class because some things just strike a chord and I don’t know how I should take it. Sharing experiences related to the topic is hard for me, I mean, nothing is really easy. Then again, life isn’t easy, but does it really have to be this hard? Do the constant struggles have to pile up like this? One good day and then problems arise again. It feels like my problems are so close and no matter how fast or far I run, I have a feeling that something might happen sooner or later. Rawr.

Maybe it’s the pessimist side of me that I have trouble dealing with that leads me to see things negatively. I’m always focusing on the negativity that I don’t see the positive results of what just happened. Maybe not always, but it has become a habit that I’ve fallen into so frequently. Being lost in the abyss of darkness, feeling alone and confused… it’s tough. Constantly wondering and waiting when the next problem will happen. The pessimism grows and as much as you try to change and try to be positive… you realize that the way you’ve acted so many times- being negative- follows suit so fast and it’s easier to fall into that kind of mindframe… it’s familiar.

Rawr. I have no reason why I say rawr now. I don’t say it out loud, but oh well. Let’s continue on, shan’t we?

When problems occur, you turn to people you know who cares and will listen. Well, that’s what I do, talk to someone I know who won’t shrug off what I’m saying and try to help me or just talk to me. The support system. Friends. Friends who become the support system that help you go through the problems that occur in daily life. They are the ones who help you through the times of crisis. They are the ones who you know will be around when you need a friend or help. The people who stay by your side no matter what; through whatever problem, issue, dilemma, and accept the way you act or react to a problem (even if they want to smack you over the head or punch you in the face), don’t judge you and help you are those who matter the most. They are the ones who’ll matter the most in your life because you can depend on them and hopefully they can depend on you. (Note: one-sided relationships… especially this kind of relationship… always taking and never giving back… just remember to give back.)

With that in mind, it’s good to know that people will be around and that you’re not alone. There are people who care even if it feels like you’re alone versus the world.  You’re never alone.

I went through an entire spiel that just expanded from my morning. What about the rest of the day, you ask. Here’s the rest of the day: break, lunch, interview, meeting(s), chill out, home. You’ll ask why there are no specifics, but I’ll say “everything that I felt during that morning class, what I learned, and what I had to dig up just to participate in that class panned out for the rest of the day. The entire day was centred around conflict. What kind? Well, that’s for me to know and you to probably not find out… unless you already know”. Everything was good, but once that feeling of sadness goes through me, it spreads and- it feels like a disease. It won’t go away unless I fight back. Sometimes I fight back, but other times I let it consume me because I’m tired of fighting. Or, I’m tired of running. I usually run from feeling sad instead of facing up to it and saying “I don’t want to feel like this anymore- it’s time to let go”. I’m a runner. I avoid. I hope problems go away, but that isn’t how it works. Not in this life. Not in this reality. Probably in any kind of reality. Owning up to what is wrong and bracing yourself for the impact is what you should do because despite every beating you take, you learn and realize that you can take it. If you need help to cope, you ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness because without help, sometimes, you might not be able to cope at all. Once you realize you can handle that problem, you know that you can probably handle whatever comes next. I’m just glad that there are people I can turn to for help. You know who you are and I thank you.

Thank you note: Thank you for helping me when I needed the help. Thank you so much for putting up with me because I know I’m not the easiest person to handle, but I’m glad that you understand. I’m really glad that I found you all because without you, I don’t know where I’d be right now. You guys are awesome and I love you all.

My final thoughts on this: Problems may always be near, and so will the negativity that comes along, but always know that friends and family are never far behind- you’re never alone.

***

Other stuff? I feel like being random. I want to throw something else in here. A poem? Song lyrics from the song that is playing while I write this? Let’s write a poem and throw the lyrics up front.

The deafening silence fills the air
And you wonder what you’re supposed to do.
You try to focus on the good day you had
But something else starts to eat at you.

You take a deep breath
And try to listen for something other than the silence.
You start to hear a quiet beat
Which is really your heart beating.

Thoughts fill your mind
And your life seems to flash before your eyes.
You wonder what it means
But then you realize that you’re reflecting in disguise.

You don’t understand until later
When your heart begins to ache.
Something in your past
Is about to make you break.

You reach for closest thing near you;
A pillow, a blanket, your phone, your computer, a teddy bear.
You steady yourself
And find out that you’re turning to a friend.

The pillow that you snuggled to,
The blanket that comforted you,
The voice through the phone,
The messages on the computer,
The bright eyes of a friend that was always there.

You hold onto whatever you have
And you pray that it doesn’t get taken away.
You try to feel better
And it works.

Maybe not right away,
But somewhere along the line…
Whatever ate at your heart
Is slowly disappearing.

You know that you’ll feel this way again
But you know that someone will be there to help.
Holding on and fighting is all you can do
But you know that you’re not alone.

Your friends are never far behind.

What Does This Warranty Not Cover?

• This warranty DOES NOT COVER:
• damage due to “acts of God” (such as lightning) or other contingencies beyond our control

That made me laugh ridiculously. Wow, they actually included that on the warranty, HAHA! Anyways, you should read those warranty pages because there are some things you’ll never believe is actually there.

Those times where you think everything is going wrong and you can’t hold on any longer, you can. There is always a silver lining to every problem even if you don’t see it right off the bat. Life is a battle, a struggle, a test, it’s everything positive and negative, but you continue on. When you think hope is lost, hope is always there. Hope can be in the form of friends, family, music– anything that keeps you going, anything that gets you on with life and through all the pains and pressures of life.

Test after test, struggle after struggle, all the negativity after each other, you never let go. Holding on is the best because so many people are hoping you hold on because letting go isn’t always fair, right, or ideal. Friends, family, whatever you have or need to hold on, use it, but be mindful of who it affects. Using drugs or alcohol as means to holding on… that isn’t ideal because it might cause other struggles. Talk, listen, breathe, that’s all you have to do. Holding on isn’t hard, being in the mindset to hold on is. Never forget about the people who care because they give you the reason to hold on.

I’m deciding to update and I have nothing on my mind. Okay, that was a lie, I decided to delve into the thing called my mind and brought up many things… mainly videos I’ve been watching as of late from the Philippines. That will obviously be beyond the cut.

When it comes to those videos, some I’ll be proud of, some I’ll be laughing about, and others I’ll be dying from secondhand embarrassment. You can be the judge of these videos, since I’ve formed my own opinion on all of these already.

Ah, yes, I’ve also gotten around to listening to Filipino music again, OPMs. I’ll put up a list beyond the cut as well. After watching and listening to Filipino stuff, I think my Filipino…ness (?) is showing. Haha, yeah… however after watching all the Filipino stuff, it made me want to watch Spice Girls… stuff… yeah… those will be behind the cut as well.

Oh, I’ve formed some kind of celebrity crush on someone again. You’ll figure it out through the videos, if you know me well enough, you’ll notice who it is. Saying who it is right off the bat seems weird for me, but you know, whatever floats my boat.

This is going to be a relatively long post, so… everything shall go behind the cut… NOW!

(videos are owned by respective owners, I’m simply spreading them.)

Let the list of links of videos begin! A few of these videos will be about the same song… but different performances, case in being; they performed When I Grow Up about four times… so… you know. Time to scrounge through YouTube.

ASAP ’90s-09 (Titles are clickable)

I Hate This Part
Stickwitu/Don’t Cha ’05 (Watch this before the next link)
Stickwitu/Don’t Cha with Melissa Reyes ’08 (do note the choreography for Don’t Cha in both videos)
When I Grow Up (ASAP Opening)
When I Grow Up (It Girls)
When I Grow Up (Sarah Geronimo)
When I Grow Up/ 4 Minutes
Low
Mamma Mia Soundtrack
Umbrella
Filipino Medley (Kanto Boyz)
Spice Girls Medley (Kanto Boyz)
90s Medley (Carol Banawa)
One Moment In Time (Must See/ Charice)
Whitney Houston/ Celine Dion Medley (Charice)
Single Ladies (D-Lite)
ABBA Performances
Just Can’t Get Enough (KC Concepcion)
T-Shirt (It Girls)
Keeps Gettin’ Better
Break The Ice/ Disturbia
Dancecool ASAP Kapamilya
OPM Medley

Filipino Music List! (Titles are non-clickable)

Piolo Pascual – Kailangan Kita
MYMP – Kailan
Carol Banawa – Iingatan Ka
Regine Velasquez – Dadalhin
Dingdong Avanzado – Basta’t Kasama Kita
Louie Heredia/ Ronnie Liang – Nag-iisang Ikaw
Martin Nievera – Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin
Sharon Cuneta/ Sarah Geronimo – Bituing Walang Ningning
Faith Cuneta/ Sarah Geronimo – Pangarap Na Bituin
Sheryn Regis – Dito Ba

Spice Girls! (Titles are clickable)

Old Ozone Interview (Very funny)

Viva Forever (With Luv from Marcel)

2 Become 1 (Strictly Come Dancing)

Yup, if you’re bored, you can watch the videos or listen to the music. Haha, even if you can’t understand the lyrics, the music will suffice. Haha.

The first change is the fact that I’ve started to listen to slow jams once again. Some of my friends may say that it isn’t a good thing, but I don’t know… I have to eventally deal with what happens. You may ask as to what happens, right? Well, what happens is that I delve into the emotional side of myself where all my thoughts and feelings lie and where I actually can think without the real world interfering. Basically, slow jams will make me think. Unfortunately, when I think, it isn’t always the best thing. Thinking in general isn’t bad, but thinking at a level where you question life itself; where reality and fantasy clash, it can be dangerous. Why is it dangerous? Well, you start to question everything you’ve learned and refuse to stop thinking until you’ve found an answer you’re satisfied with. You keep diving into yourself to understand what’s happening, why you’re in this world, why everything is being as it is, and you seem to dig a hole for yourself. What really really sucks is that when you’ve gone too deep into your mentality and end up losing a sense of reality. Wow, this is just hard to talk about speaking in general terms… let’s use myself. I’ve driven myself so deep into my mentality to the point where you start to lose yourself. I didn’t know why I existed, I didn’t know what I was meant to do in life, I didn’t understand why I always had it rough and it nearly drove me off the edge. Slow jams didn’t exactly help– well the kinds I listened to. All the lovey dovey, heart broken stuff… yeah that was really smart of me. Luckily, I had friends to pull me out of that hole I dug myself into. Due to that first experience with slow jams, I ended up laying off of listening to them. However, the good part about having slow jams was that it helped me write. It made me more emotionally aware and more descriptive– notice how all the great writers were depressed, but I refuse to be like that. I still have to keep part of myself detached from slow jams or else I’ll be digging another hole. Wow, I have no idea if any of that made sense… Well, here’s what I see when I listen to slow jams.

Some slow jams I listen to make you think. Depending on your situation or the moment you are listening to a slow jam, it can either be a good or bad thing. It’s a bad thing when you’re feeling like crap because you listen to the lyrics and wonder why your life is like that song or you wonder why your life isn’t like that song. Then you wonder if what you’re going through is fair because you see others who have it easier, but you don’t realize that these other people may have it rough. You go off thinking you have it harder, but you chose to ignore the reality’s logic that no one is always in a fair situation because you’ve thought that you’ve hit the lowest of low compared to others, then reality finally hits you and you figure out that you’re one of the many people who have it rough, but you chose to express your feelings. Unfortunately, it takes a while until reality sets into some people because continually being bombarded with hardships and always being bogged down with every blow keeps you thinking lowly. However, always having your friends around, true friends is key when this sort of thing happens. They keep you sane, along with your family.

Okay, I think that made no sense again. Wow… it keeps digressing. Let’s talk about the BIG change. The big change would be university. It’s a big change, being in a new school, new classmates, new professors– overall different environment. I’m not going back to that small high school of 200, where all the teachers and students know each other. No, I’m going to a rather large university that houses possibly thousands of students. Now, everyone doesn’t know each other, it’s not like high school where you know the teacher straight up, who’s in your class and always seeing the same faces in the morning until the end of the day. With university, I’m stuck trying to find out where my classes are, how much my books cost and whether or not I’ll survive with the classes I’ve chosen. The reality that classes start next week, on the 3rd, is a big thought. I have orientations today and tomorrow. People are saying, “Are you ready? Are you scared? Are you excited?” and all I have to say is “I’ll deal with it when I get there” because right now I’m neither excited nor anxious. I believe I’ve wasted most of my energy being anxious and excited in grade 11 and the middle of grade 12 because all I see right now is that “It’s another day at school. I’ll go to university, meet people, go on with classes and go home.” I simply see it as an extension of my education where the priority is to get good grades, do what I love and make friends so I stay sane. I think reality will smack me right in the face the moment classes start, or the moment I step into the university with a different incentive; not buying books or going to an orientation, but actually going to classes. University will be a big change. Different routine and overall different experience. Hopefully I don’t get lost on the first week of school… that would suck.

Right! Really long post. Hopefully it made sense.

What am I listening to: My Happy Ending – Avril Lavigne

P.S. I should learn to play that song on guitar. =)