Thoughts…

Thursday, October-29-09                  7:23PM

Crushed

It wasn’t as if I meant to say what I said that day. Everything came off as a ramble, which led to a little more than expected. From a simple conversation about a confession to one crush which turned into another confession. That amused me because who would’ve thought that I would confess my feelings, to some extent, to two people on the same day? In retrospect from the last couple of weeks, I’m amused, confused, frustrated, happy, sad, angry, and really, really tired. It was a crush that turned into something more. At this moment, I would rather feel crushed than feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Here we go again, ladies and gentlemen. Yours truly decided to do what she did once before that led to relatively dire consequences. Maybe they aren’t dire, but there are consequences that arose from what I did. Just a couple of years ago, I decided to tell my crushes I liked them and of course it happened in a very short time span, though the span of this was way shorter, but the outcomes are similar. That first time, that wasn’t exactly great. I chose the worst time ever because it was Christmas, I mean really now. I knew what both people were going to say and I was relatively prepared for it, but I still want to slap myself for picking Christmas of all times to get let down. I’m over it now, that time has come and gone, but this time, I don’t know how I feel. Well, I do know how I feel and it kind of sucks.

This time around, I told both my crushes that I liked them. I knew the outcome of one because I saw the signs that countered any kind of other weirdly patterned coincidental incidents I experienced. A simple note, but I didn’t receive a reply that same moment, though I did end up seeing a sign that completely blindsided me. I was sort of prepared for that, but it still sucked. I thought to myself, ‘I need to talk to someone, a friend, because at this very moment, life is a little bit of a downer,’ but I said that more crudely in my mind. I went to see a friend and decided to tell them what just happened a few minutes ago. I laughed at myself thinking how odd it was talking to my friend about the other crush because, really, I have a crush on my friend, too. I knew I had a crush on this person a while back, but circumstances given back then, I knew it wouldn’t work out.  To be perfectly frank, it was just plain weird talking to my crush about another crush. I didn’t notice how strange it was until that moment. My crush with my friend, I managed to suppress it for a long while, but apparently my subconscious wouldn’t leave me alone just as soon as I started to talk to my friend again. I thank myself for confusing me like this.

Talking to said friend, that was fine until I started to feel really ridiculous and thought to myself ‘what the hell, I might as well say something now while I’m on this roll. If I get let down here, at least I’m dealing with it all in one shot instead of multiple events’. Right now, I shake my head because I think my timing was not pretty with that. I don’t even think my approach was good at all; just do it because you have the opportunity. No idea what I was thinking then – I don’t think I was even thinking when I spoke at all. I ended up indirectly implying that I had a crush on said friend. Smart, eh? An indirect verbal statement that probably made no sense to my friend and why do I say that it made no sense; well even I had no idea what the hell I said. I’m really glad to have said that we’d continue that conversation later.

Thank goodness for technology, that is all I have to say. If I kept talking, I knew that I would either get in trouble because I wasn’t home yet or I would start to blabber on like an idiot. Despite that getting in trouble was a concern, sounding like an idiot was a lot more of a concern. Yeah, I’m really lame like that. Anyways, I was supposed to be studying at that point, but I decided to finish that conversation instead. That was definitely not the best decision. After finally getting back on the same page, because my cryptic statements confused both of us, one thing led to another and next thing I knew, I had lost any kind of mental capacity. Way to go. I felt like I was brain dead for a little while, but that meant I was brain dead for the rest of the night. Anyways, the conversation went well and I understood what was going on, or so I thought. Somehow, I knew that when I awkwardly replied I had ended it in such a way that there was something else on my mind. I didn’t mean to end what I said that way, but my fingers typed faster than I could think and it seemed like I had to say ‘…but…’ as if there was something else. I didn’t know what else I could’ve said at that moment, but time had cut that conversation short and it didn’t help that my mind froze for a very long time leading to complete and utter silence. Though, as the night went on, I started to understand why I said what I unconsciously typed.

Day later, I was acting a little bit like a fool. I managed to talk to someone who knew about this crush long before and how it seemed to have defied the odds of back then, but the new odds that were brought up were a little disconcerting. Unfortunately for me, even at this point in time, I really don’t know what the odds are. I know that they’re bad, but I have no idea as to how bad they are. Though, talking to that someone who already knew, that was good, until said person decided to jinx it by putting a percentage on it. I mean, was putting a percentile on the chances of it happening really necessary? For god’s sake, it was a percentile that didn’t even reach 50%. That was a little disheartening. Well, when little old me decided to analyze and then overanalyze the situation at hand, that was when I was ridiculously disheartened. I respected the decisions we laid out the night before, but somehow I couldn’t keep up with them. I was confused as hell. It sucked! The day ended horribly because I ended up receiving a reply to my note from my other crush and that really sucked. The day before had a balance: I saw a sign of getting let down only to be pulled up again when I got an answer I was good to live with; one confession saved the day, but there was nothing to save this day when I received the reply. A little awkwardness, but it turned out all right because we still talk. But, the following day after this, holy batman.

I knew something would go wrong. I mean, whenever I’m really happy, something tends to go wrong. Maybe I’m cynical like that and maybe I’m a little pessimistic, but you can’t blame me for being so when most things in my life have fallen in some great depression. It was the calm before the storm and little would I know that the storm was two days later. It feels really slow as if we had that conversation a month ago, but realistically, it hadn’t even been a week yet. Oh the great depression of October ’09. That was just amazing in my eyes to see how emotionally confused I was and still am. Having been used to analyze everything, because with my parents you have to read between the lines just to avoid crossing them, I read a little too deep into the situation. I already agreed to where we were and yet I felt like everything was still up in the air. Feeling that torn despite nothing actually happening, it was weird and really stupid when I look back on it. I think I cared a little too much and I still think I do. That night was very interesting in the sense that everything that happened shouldn’t have happened then and there, it should’ve happened about two months later. What was I thinking? I knew what I was getting into and yet I still tore myself apart. I didn’t help my friend either because I felt like I added to the already present stress. Not the greatest move, clearly. That conversation looked like we were breaking up, but we weren’t even together to begin with. Holy batman, I’m just glad that it worked out the next day. The night just killed me and the morning after – I felt like I was dealing with a hangover.

The morning after was what I dreaded. I hoped that I could not see my friend for a while because I knew that I would break if I saw them. In my head, I knew that being a friend was all we could be, but it hurt a little too much in the sense that I was breaking my heart just to be a friend, but at the same time not being their friend would just hurt both of us. Why hurt two people when there is that opportunity for only one to hurt? That doesn’t exactly sound pleasant, but the less pain that spread, the better.

Anyways, talking had to occur at some point. Not clearly defining what was going on was not helpful, for me at least. Being used to having structure, what was happening then was not helping my already growing confusion. I tried talking, but that failed on so many levels. I grew nervous and ended up losing sight of my original intent and I just chickened out. Whatever I had to say then, I still have to say it now because I’m just hurting at this point. I tried talking, but I failed. It sort of worked, but it didn’t give me what I wanted: peace of mind.

The failed talk led me to more confusion and basically I was on the verge of losing my mind. I mean, I knew that I shouldn’t have put myself in the position of constantly wondering of what will happen next, but I did. There really is no answer for the question of ‘what will happen next’, but I tried to push for an answer and pushing for an answer is definitely not the way to go. Well, after that failed attempt of trying to piece my mind together, I ended up throwing my brain to the wall for the next while until now.

I talked to my cousin, who is pretty much like a sibling to me, decided to pry through my brain and that conversation ended well. When I say ‘well’, I say it loosely and sarcastically. That was a very enlightening conversation because my cousin reaffirmed every cynical and pessimistic thought that was present in my mind the night I confessed my feelings as well as all the days after. My god was that just eye-opening because as much as I trust my cousin’s advice, it just felt wrong even though it felt right. What was I supposed to do next? I was supposed to avoid my friend at all costs to collect myself and see if all the time I spent was actually worth it or if I basically just wasted my time.

Avoidance = failure on my part. I have no self-discipline apparently. I tried for a couple of days and it worked because it was the damn weekend, but when the school week started again, well I failed miserably. I tried to be cool about everything, but looking back at how I acted and reacted, I was anything but cool. I fell into stalker mode, idiot mode, and stupid mode. That was just great…just great. I managed to say to myself that right now I’d rather be a friend who’s supportive letting whatever happens to happen, instead of being the hopeless romantic who’s hoping that something will happen, but that only worked out for a couple of days until I realized how close I’ve been getting.

I think I just turned into what I didn’t want to be: clingy. Then again, I question myself if I really was clingy with all the texting and always starting the conversation and stuff. Was I really being clingy or was I simply trying to unravel a mystery? I feel like I’m doing a lot of work and I’m not sure if I should be doing this much work or if I’m supposed to feel like I’m doing work. From what I understand, my friend seems withdrawn sometimes, but it kind of sucks for me that I’m wracking my brain and doing so much that it looks really wrong; wrong that it looks like I’m prying or looking like a hassle. I just feel like it’s unfair that I’m always making the first move. Maybe those I’ve talked to were right, that this wasn’t meant to be. I’ll accept it when I’ve been told this.

Being caught floating in between reality and dreams, it isn’t fair. Being caught in the middle, even though we said that the middle shouldn’t exist, it just hurts. Being who we were prior my confession is difficult because the lines of friendship became a blur. This looks so complicated in my eyes, but it’s so simple.

I really need everything to be figured out or my friend will become the bane of my existence. As I write this, my head is starting to hurt and I have a feeling that tomorrow I’ll feel like I’m trying to struggle through a hangover again. Tomorrow, I hope I get my answers because right now, I’m having trouble just seeing and talking to you. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t say anything because being semi-rejected (or what feels like being semi-rejected) is worse than being rejected all together. I love you, but it hurts to love you like this.