Crushed

It wasn’t as if I meant to say what I said that day. Everything came off as a ramble, which led to a little more than expected. From a simple conversation about a confession to one crush which turned into another confession. That amused me because who would’ve thought that I would confess my feelings, to some extent, to two people on the same day? In retrospect from the last couple of weeks, I’m amused, confused, frustrated, happy, sad, angry, and really, really tired. It was a crush that turned into something more. At this moment, I would rather feel crushed than feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Here we go again, ladies and gentlemen. Yours truly decided to do what she did once before that led to relatively dire consequences. Maybe they aren’t dire, but there are consequences that arose from what I did. Just a couple of years ago, I decided to tell my crushes I liked them and of course it happened in a very short time span, though the span of this was way shorter, but the outcomes are similar. That first time, that wasn’t exactly great. I chose the worst time ever because it was Christmas, I mean really now. I knew what both people were going to say and I was relatively prepared for it, but I still want to slap myself for picking Christmas of all times to get let down. I’m over it now, that time has come and gone, but this time, I don’t know how I feel. Well, I do know how I feel and it kind of sucks.

This time around, I told both my crushes that I liked them. I knew the outcome of one because I saw the signs that countered any kind of other weirdly patterned coincidental incidents I experienced. A simple note, but I didn’t receive a reply that same moment, though I did end up seeing a sign that completely blindsided me. I was sort of prepared for that, but it still sucked. I thought to myself, ‘I need to talk to someone, a friend, because at this very moment, life is a little bit of a downer,’ but I said that more crudely in my mind. I went to see a friend and decided to tell them what just happened a few minutes ago. I laughed at myself thinking how odd it was talking to my friend about the other crush because, really, I have a crush on my friend, too. I knew I had a crush on this person a while back, but circumstances given back then, I knew it wouldn’t work out.  To be perfectly frank, it was just plain weird talking to my crush about another crush. I didn’t notice how strange it was until that moment. My crush with my friend, I managed to suppress it for a long while, but apparently my subconscious wouldn’t leave me alone just as soon as I started to talk to my friend again. I thank myself for confusing me like this.

Talking to said friend, that was fine until I started to feel really ridiculous and thought to myself ‘what the hell, I might as well say something now while I’m on this roll. If I get let down here, at least I’m dealing with it all in one shot instead of multiple events’. Right now, I shake my head because I think my timing was not pretty with that. I don’t even think my approach was good at all; just do it because you have the opportunity. No idea what I was thinking then – I don’t think I was even thinking when I spoke at all. I ended up indirectly implying that I had a crush on said friend. Smart, eh? An indirect verbal statement that probably made no sense to my friend and why do I say that it made no sense; well even I had no idea what the hell I said. I’m really glad to have said that we’d continue that conversation later.

Thank goodness for technology, that is all I have to say. If I kept talking, I knew that I would either get in trouble because I wasn’t home yet or I would start to blabber on like an idiot. Despite that getting in trouble was a concern, sounding like an idiot was a lot more of a concern. Yeah, I’m really lame like that. Anyways, I was supposed to be studying at that point, but I decided to finish that conversation instead. That was definitely not the best decision. After finally getting back on the same page, because my cryptic statements confused both of us, one thing led to another and next thing I knew, I had lost any kind of mental capacity. Way to go. I felt like I was brain dead for a little while, but that meant I was brain dead for the rest of the night. Anyways, the conversation went well and I understood what was going on, or so I thought. Somehow, I knew that when I awkwardly replied I had ended it in such a way that there was something else on my mind. I didn’t mean to end what I said that way, but my fingers typed faster than I could think and it seemed like I had to say ‘…but…’ as if there was something else. I didn’t know what else I could’ve said at that moment, but time had cut that conversation short and it didn’t help that my mind froze for a very long time leading to complete and utter silence. Though, as the night went on, I started to understand why I said what I unconsciously typed.

Day later, I was acting a little bit like a fool. I managed to talk to someone who knew about this crush long before and how it seemed to have defied the odds of back then, but the new odds that were brought up were a little disconcerting. Unfortunately for me, even at this point in time, I really don’t know what the odds are. I know that they’re bad, but I have no idea as to how bad they are. Though, talking to that someone who already knew, that was good, until said person decided to jinx it by putting a percentage on it. I mean, was putting a percentile on the chances of it happening really necessary? For god’s sake, it was a percentile that didn’t even reach 50%. That was a little disheartening. Well, when little old me decided to analyze and then overanalyze the situation at hand, that was when I was ridiculously disheartened. I respected the decisions we laid out the night before, but somehow I couldn’t keep up with them. I was confused as hell. It sucked! The day ended horribly because I ended up receiving a reply to my note from my other crush and that really sucked. The day before had a balance: I saw a sign of getting let down only to be pulled up again when I got an answer I was good to live with; one confession saved the day, but there was nothing to save this day when I received the reply. A little awkwardness, but it turned out all right because we still talk. But, the following day after this, holy batman.

I knew something would go wrong. I mean, whenever I’m really happy, something tends to go wrong. Maybe I’m cynical like that and maybe I’m a little pessimistic, but you can’t blame me for being so when most things in my life have fallen in some great depression. It was the calm before the storm and little would I know that the storm was two days later. It feels really slow as if we had that conversation a month ago, but realistically, it hadn’t even been a week yet. Oh the great depression of October ’09. That was just amazing in my eyes to see how emotionally confused I was and still am. Having been used to analyze everything, because with my parents you have to read between the lines just to avoid crossing them, I read a little too deep into the situation. I already agreed to where we were and yet I felt like everything was still up in the air. Feeling that torn despite nothing actually happening, it was weird and really stupid when I look back on it. I think I cared a little too much and I still think I do. That night was very interesting in the sense that everything that happened shouldn’t have happened then and there, it should’ve happened about two months later. What was I thinking? I knew what I was getting into and yet I still tore myself apart. I didn’t help my friend either because I felt like I added to the already present stress. Not the greatest move, clearly. That conversation looked like we were breaking up, but we weren’t even together to begin with. Holy batman, I’m just glad that it worked out the next day. The night just killed me and the morning after – I felt like I was dealing with a hangover.

The morning after was what I dreaded. I hoped that I could not see my friend for a while because I knew that I would break if I saw them. In my head, I knew that being a friend was all we could be, but it hurt a little too much in the sense that I was breaking my heart just to be a friend, but at the same time not being their friend would just hurt both of us. Why hurt two people when there is that opportunity for only one to hurt? That doesn’t exactly sound pleasant, but the less pain that spread, the better.

Anyways, talking had to occur at some point. Not clearly defining what was going on was not helpful, for me at least. Being used to having structure, what was happening then was not helping my already growing confusion. I tried talking, but that failed on so many levels. I grew nervous and ended up losing sight of my original intent and I just chickened out. Whatever I had to say then, I still have to say it now because I’m just hurting at this point. I tried talking, but I failed. It sort of worked, but it didn’t give me what I wanted: peace of mind.

The failed talk led me to more confusion and basically I was on the verge of losing my mind. I mean, I knew that I shouldn’t have put myself in the position of constantly wondering of what will happen next, but I did. There really is no answer for the question of ‘what will happen next’, but I tried to push for an answer and pushing for an answer is definitely not the way to go. Well, after that failed attempt of trying to piece my mind together, I ended up throwing my brain to the wall for the next while until now.

I talked to my cousin, who is pretty much like a sibling to me, decided to pry through my brain and that conversation ended well. When I say ‘well’, I say it loosely and sarcastically. That was a very enlightening conversation because my cousin reaffirmed every cynical and pessimistic thought that was present in my mind the night I confessed my feelings as well as all the days after. My god was that just eye-opening because as much as I trust my cousin’s advice, it just felt wrong even though it felt right. What was I supposed to do next? I was supposed to avoid my friend at all costs to collect myself and see if all the time I spent was actually worth it or if I basically just wasted my time.

Avoidance = failure on my part. I have no self-discipline apparently. I tried for a couple of days and it worked because it was the damn weekend, but when the school week started again, well I failed miserably. I tried to be cool about everything, but looking back at how I acted and reacted, I was anything but cool. I fell into stalker mode, idiot mode, and stupid mode. That was just great…just great. I managed to say to myself that right now I’d rather be a friend who’s supportive letting whatever happens to happen, instead of being the hopeless romantic who’s hoping that something will happen, but that only worked out for a couple of days until I realized how close I’ve been getting.

I think I just turned into what I didn’t want to be: clingy. Then again, I question myself if I really was clingy with all the texting and always starting the conversation and stuff. Was I really being clingy or was I simply trying to unravel a mystery? I feel like I’m doing a lot of work and I’m not sure if I should be doing this much work or if I’m supposed to feel like I’m doing work. From what I understand, my friend seems withdrawn sometimes, but it kind of sucks for me that I’m wracking my brain and doing so much that it looks really wrong; wrong that it looks like I’m prying or looking like a hassle. I just feel like it’s unfair that I’m always making the first move. Maybe those I’ve talked to were right, that this wasn’t meant to be. I’ll accept it when I’ve been told this.

Being caught floating in between reality and dreams, it isn’t fair. Being caught in the middle, even though we said that the middle shouldn’t exist, it just hurts. Being who we were prior my confession is difficult because the lines of friendship became a blur. This looks so complicated in my eyes, but it’s so simple.

I really need everything to be figured out or my friend will become the bane of my existence. As I write this, my head is starting to hurt and I have a feeling that tomorrow I’ll feel like I’m trying to struggle through a hangover again. Tomorrow, I hope I get my answers because right now, I’m having trouble just seeing and talking to you. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t say anything because being semi-rejected (or what feels like being semi-rejected) is worse than being rejected all together. I love you, but it hurts to love you like this.

I’m feeling a little lost. Anxious. Nervous. Confused. Tired. Really, really annoyed. I just don’t feel good. I want to say that this is just something that will pass, but will it? I mean, maybe it does pass, but is it really gone? I don’t know, that’s another talk for another day. Moving on…

I want to talk about it, but I feel like I’m haggling the ones I’ve already talked to. I want to talk to someone else, and I know there is someone else, but I don’t have the guts to do it. Hmm, I probably do have the guts, but what is holding me back? I probably have this answer. My hesitations: someone else shouldn’t get involved, this is like the past repeating itself, and I believe there might be something emotionally at stake for me. I feel like the answer is in sight, but the possible repercussions keep me blind. I want to jump in with hopes that something good will happen, but if this is a repeat of the past… well… so help me. I don’t want to ruin a possibly good thing.

So, you see, this is a little problematic. I have the option, but the consequences that come with the option very well screws me over. There are some things that happen during my mental war of “talk or not to talk” which make me think that I should talk. There are these little things that look like signs, but are they really signs or what I want to think are signs? Fuck. Ha. Do I believe that maybe something is out there keeping an eye out for me or do I believe that this is just a dream and I’m just doomed to fail? I don’t know. I’m tired. I’m scared. I want this to stop.

I want to be able to breathe and feel… okay. I’d rather be okay and feel a little miserable than feel completely miserable. I may look okay, but am I really okay? I could simply be wearing a mask because… it’s not worth showing the pain. I’d probably be caught in a web of shit and no one would know. Who knows? You’d have to ask.

I should be studying and reading my textbooks as well as working on my lab, but I felt the need to write something. However irrelevant or odd this is, I just needed to write something out. I decided to switch binders because I knew my current one wasn’t going to stay together and it felt huge. It looked huge for that matter.

So, I was merely going through my current binder and thought that everything will fit in the other one as long as I removed the old stuff inside of the other binder. I opened the binder and raised an eyebrow at how much… stuff… was there. Pens, pencils, paperclips, erasers, sticky dividers, post-it notes- the whole nine yards apparently was in there. I pulled out all the old notes and replaced them with the ones I made this year. It was kind of a hassle when I realized how much papers were being forced into the small rings. So, of course I pulled out the excess papers and started to clean up the mesh pocket of doom on the side.

I pulled out the highlighters, the pencils, pens, paperclips and what not that was in that small pocket and found a piece of paper that was folded into near non-existence caught my eye. I thought that it was a random drawing I made during a Philosophy class, but it ended up being a poem. I furrowed my brow at the really neat writing because I knew that this poem was more than something written during a period of boredom. There was some kind importance behind it that really made me curl my lips. All the spacing, curves and alignment seemed to be perfect and that was a sure sign that this was written with a heavy emotion behind it. There seemed to be a very deep force that led me to make this perfect.

So I read it over and narrowed my eyes when I realized what the poem was about. It took me reading until halfway into the writing to remind myself what was going on, who I was talking about, and why I was talking about it. Should I write out this poem? Eh, why not, all my other poems are on here. Here we go:

A simple feeling,
That is what will forever grip my soul.
The feeling that claims simplicity also claims complexity.
It leaves me confused, lost, broken and yet hopeful.
Confusion, because I don’t know why I feel this way.
Lost, because I don’t know if I should feel this way.
Broken, for I don’t know if you’ll ever feel the same.
Hopeful, for that you and I could be more than friends.
I can’t understand if feeling this could potentially risk everything between us.
I choose to stay silent.
I refuse to gamble our friendship because of how I feel.
You have someone else in your life that needs your attention.
My telling you how I feel could interfere your relationship with them, or us.
I only want you to be happy, nothing less.
My happiness should not be the cause of your sadness.
Why must I love you from afar?
It feels so painful.
Hoping for the impossible is what I can simply do.
A feeling so strong that can barely be acted upon;
I’ll simply stand here and pretend everything is okay.
Anonymous is how I’ll remain.
Attempting to know who I am is futile.
I’m already invisible in your eyes.
Leave to it that you know I care about you.
Leave to it that our friendship is what I will hold onto.
You know my name, but you don’t know me.
Understand that I’ll always be your friend if that becomes all we’ll ever be.
I’m right here, but you’ll never see me.

Can I just say… whoa? I definitely edited that entire thing when I realized how off it sounded in my head. Right now, I’m amused at how one little piece of paper pulls out a string of emotions. It also causes a reaction: self-reflection. Looking back on this poem now, I still feel that way. Everything here has subtext, I’m merely reporting on things I don’t see. Then again, whenever I write, I focus on the subtext of everything instead of focusing on what is right in my face. Who knows if this person likes me back the same way. Who knows if I’m over-analyzing everything. All I know is, looking back at this and thinking of where I am right now… I still don’t have the courage to do anything about this situation. Then again, should I do anything?

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~ Never Far Behind by Aly and AJ

It really depends on your perspective when you read that title. What do you think I mean when I say “Never far behind?” Do you think I’m talking about reality? The problems that come with our life? Friends? Family? Well, this is what I mean when I say “Never far behind”.

I guess that today I’m feeling a little emotional. Heh, my friends will ask “since when have you not been emotional?” and I’ll say “FU!” Kidding! I’m just kidding! I probably wouldn’t say “FU!” per sé, but I’ll probably stare at the person blankly and shake my head. Anyways! You can say that I’m more emotional today than usual. But then, another person will say- well whatever, that’s another story or problem for another day.

Today, it was a good day. Woke up feeling energetic, ready to face the day, had my essay in my binder, had my iPod and cellphone charged, got my skates cleaned and the weather wasn’t too bad. I almost got hit by a car on the way to class, but whatever… that was just weird. I rolled into class- more like dragged and wheeled into class, but overall it was a good class. Though, sometimes I ask myself why I go through that class because some things just strike a chord and I don’t know how I should take it. Sharing experiences related to the topic is hard for me, I mean, nothing is really easy. Then again, life isn’t easy, but does it really have to be this hard? Do the constant struggles have to pile up like this? One good day and then problems arise again. It feels like my problems are so close and no matter how fast or far I run, I have a feeling that something might happen sooner or later. Rawr.

Maybe it’s the pessimist side of me that I have trouble dealing with that leads me to see things negatively. I’m always focusing on the negativity that I don’t see the positive results of what just happened. Maybe not always, but it has become a habit that I’ve fallen into so frequently. Being lost in the abyss of darkness, feeling alone and confused… it’s tough. Constantly wondering and waiting when the next problem will happen. The pessimism grows and as much as you try to change and try to be positive… you realize that the way you’ve acted so many times- being negative- follows suit so fast and it’s easier to fall into that kind of mindframe… it’s familiar.

Rawr. I have no reason why I say rawr now. I don’t say it out loud, but oh well. Let’s continue on, shan’t we?

When problems occur, you turn to people you know who cares and will listen. Well, that’s what I do, talk to someone I know who won’t shrug off what I’m saying and try to help me or just talk to me. The support system. Friends. Friends who become the support system that help you go through the problems that occur in daily life. They are the ones who help you through the times of crisis. They are the ones who you know will be around when you need a friend or help. The people who stay by your side no matter what; through whatever problem, issue, dilemma, and accept the way you act or react to a problem (even if they want to smack you over the head or punch you in the face), don’t judge you and help you are those who matter the most. They are the ones who’ll matter the most in your life because you can depend on them and hopefully they can depend on you. (Note: one-sided relationships… especially this kind of relationship… always taking and never giving back… just remember to give back.)

With that in mind, it’s good to know that people will be around and that you’re not alone. There are people who care even if it feels like you’re alone versus the world.  You’re never alone.

I went through an entire spiel that just expanded from my morning. What about the rest of the day, you ask. Here’s the rest of the day: break, lunch, interview, meeting(s), chill out, home. You’ll ask why there are no specifics, but I’ll say “everything that I felt during that morning class, what I learned, and what I had to dig up just to participate in that class panned out for the rest of the day. The entire day was centred around conflict. What kind? Well, that’s for me to know and you to probably not find out… unless you already know”. Everything was good, but once that feeling of sadness goes through me, it spreads and- it feels like a disease. It won’t go away unless I fight back. Sometimes I fight back, but other times I let it consume me because I’m tired of fighting. Or, I’m tired of running. I usually run from feeling sad instead of facing up to it and saying “I don’t want to feel like this anymore- it’s time to let go”. I’m a runner. I avoid. I hope problems go away, but that isn’t how it works. Not in this life. Not in this reality. Probably in any kind of reality. Owning up to what is wrong and bracing yourself for the impact is what you should do because despite every beating you take, you learn and realize that you can take it. If you need help to cope, you ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness because without help, sometimes, you might not be able to cope at all. Once you realize you can handle that problem, you know that you can probably handle whatever comes next. I’m just glad that there are people I can turn to for help. You know who you are and I thank you.

Thank you note: Thank you for helping me when I needed the help. Thank you so much for putting up with me because I know I’m not the easiest person to handle, but I’m glad that you understand. I’m really glad that I found you all because without you, I don’t know where I’d be right now. You guys are awesome and I love you all.

My final thoughts on this: Problems may always be near, and so will the negativity that comes along, but always know that friends and family are never far behind- you’re never alone.

***

Other stuff? I feel like being random. I want to throw something else in here. A poem? Song lyrics from the song that is playing while I write this? Let’s write a poem and throw the lyrics up front.

The deafening silence fills the air
And you wonder what you’re supposed to do.
You try to focus on the good day you had
But something else starts to eat at you.

You take a deep breath
And try to listen for something other than the silence.
You start to hear a quiet beat
Which is really your heart beating.

Thoughts fill your mind
And your life seems to flash before your eyes.
You wonder what it means
But then you realize that you’re reflecting in disguise.

You don’t understand until later
When your heart begins to ache.
Something in your past
Is about to make you break.

You reach for closest thing near you;
A pillow, a blanket, your phone, your computer, a teddy bear.
You steady yourself
And find out that you’re turning to a friend.

The pillow that you snuggled to,
The blanket that comforted you,
The voice through the phone,
The messages on the computer,
The bright eyes of a friend that was always there.

You hold onto whatever you have
And you pray that it doesn’t get taken away.
You try to feel better
And it works.

Maybe not right away,
But somewhere along the line…
Whatever ate at your heart
Is slowly disappearing.

You know that you’ll feel this way again
But you know that someone will be there to help.
Holding on and fighting is all you can do
But you know that you’re not alone.

Your friends are never far behind.

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Here are some icons that I just made for Otalia. Comments are love, and do credit when using – credit to AlexRiley, please and thank you.

What Does This Warranty Not Cover?

• This warranty DOES NOT COVER:
• damage due to “acts of God” (such as lightning) or other contingencies beyond our control

That made me laugh ridiculously. Wow, they actually included that on the warranty, HAHA! Anyways, you should read those warranty pages because there are some things you’ll never believe is actually there.

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She didn’t know what to do. That was a lie, she did, but she really didn’t want to do that. What was that? Well, that was something she refused to ever acknowledge because that move could possibly make or break their “relationship”.

She glanced through the windshield, hands resting on the wheel, as she looked at Alicia who sat on the hood of the rental car. The entire drive remained as a relatively silent with the occasional sigh or blurt of pessimism; either from the Brown gymnast. They returned back to the barren lot and as soon as they arrived, an hour ago, Alicia stepped out and leant against the hood of the car, staring off at the city. Nathan sat in her seat, unsure if she should approach the other woman; their entire verbal fight finally sunk into her.

“I decided to try gymnastics one last time, but then you completely wipe the mats with me! I wanted to have a great final run, but then you decided to play Houdini and ruin it for me!” That didn’t hurt Nathan because it was out of anger and anyone would say anything when they’re angry. Then again, when anyone was angry, all inhibitions are gone and all truth is revealed.

“You didn’t mean to show up out of nowhere and blow me out of the water? Bullshit, I bet you totally planned this out! Holy shit man! I’m trying to do my best here and I want to be remembered for something more than falling during the Olympics, but you… you show up and screwed things up!” The strong venom beneath the words started to hit Nathan as she recollected that part of the conversation. She buried herself deeper into the seat and sighed, covering her face with her hand as she remembered the rest of the conversation. The sound of broken sobs and the feeling of tears soak through her shirt; everything started to open her eyes. She knew she was dealing with a heavy-hearted gymnast, but now she saw that she dealing with a broken woman.

“What the hell did I get myself into now?” Nathan murmured to herself as she tried to figure out where to go from there. She wanted to help Alicia as much as she could, but she didn’t want to be so self-involved to the point that she couldn’t get out… if she needed to get out.

Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me, c’mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me, oh, I can’t get enough
I’m hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet yeah

Nathan glanced to the passenger seat and saw Alicia’s phone sitting there. She smirked at the ringtone and reached for the phone, looking out the windshield only to turn and find Alicia at another end of the barren lot, sitting on the gravel ground with her knees pulled up to her chest. Without a second thought, she looked at the display and answered the phone.

“Hello? Alicia’s cellphone, Nathan… answering.” There was a silence, but a few faint voices in the background. “Hello?”

“Hey, N-Nathan, is Alicia around?” Nathan turned to where Alicia sat and saw her completely detached from the world around her.

“Sort of, but she’s kind of busy. Can I take a message?”

“U-Um, I was just calling to see if she was okay, she never came back.” Nathan smacked her forehead and realized she forgot to ask Alicia if she had other plans, but it seemed irrelevant at the moment considering they were already at the barren lot.

“Oh, um, where are you? I’m taking Alicia back to the hotel soon and I don’t know where her room is,” Nathan replied back as she glanced at her watch.

“Room 305.”

“Okay, thanks, she’ll be back soon.”

“Okay, bye.” Nathan hung the phone up and tossed it back onto the passenger seat. She dejectedly sighed and opened the door, heading over to Alicia. She knelt down in front of the other woman and placed her hands on Alicia’s knees. She could feel the pain emanate in the air and it only made her wish that she could drive it away and release the young woman from it.

“Alicia, we should go now.” No reply, Alicia looked up at Nathan with bloodshot and blank eyes. Nathan felt her heart break at the sight and it deeply saddened her. Without another word, she moved to Alicia’s side and pulled the other woman against her, slowly rubbing the woman’s arm. She heard shaky breaths and felt Alicia’s face bury against her neck, hot tears sliding down. Leaving didn’t seem to be an option, only staying and letting the young woman release her pain was.

***

“Okay, didn’t Nathan say she’d be back soon?” The five American gymnasts stood, all sat around in Nastia and Shawn’s room, except for one. Samantha began to pace relentlessly around the small area, worried about her best friend. Everyone else watched her, waiting for her to bore some kind of hole through the floor and fall right through.

“Sam, calm down, they might’ve hit traffic or something,” Bridget stated, her eyes following the blonde in front of her.

“Traffic, at this hour?” Samantha squeaked as she turned around to face the brunette, her face expressing her disbelief. “It’s almost midnight!”

“Okay, Sam, calm down, we’re all worried here,” Chellsie said as she looked over at the evidently worried blonde. She could see Samantha ready to reply back when there was a quiet collection of thuds against the door. Everyone looked at the door and no one moved. Nastia sighed in exasperation as she moved from the bed and headed for the door, carefully opening it. She opened the door all the way when she saw it was Alicia… in Nathan’s arms. Nathan looked exhausted beyond comprehension and the fact that she was carrying Alicia, who was asleep, seemed incredible; what was giving her the strength to continue on?

“Sorry, I met a few speed bumps since you called,” Nathan stated as she slowly made her way into the room, watching as the others leapt from the bed and stood away from them. She passed them and laid Alicia onto one of the beds, only to find herself ready to collapse. Everyone watched as she turned, ready to leave and Samantha was ready to pounce on the woman, but someone else captured Nathan’s attention first.

“Come with me,” Shawn quietly said as she approached the taller woman, grabbing her hand and leading her to the bathroom, shutting the door behind them. The other four looked at each other with furrowed brows and confusion as to what just happened.

“What was that?” Bridget whispered, only to gain shrugs from her friends.

As soon as Nathan and Shawn entered the bathroom, Shawn released the taller woman’s hand, letting her go. Nathan groaned and walked over to the vanity, leaning against it with her hands propped against the edge of the countertop. She looked over to the door and saw Shawn leaning back against it with her arms crossed in front of her. The look of confusion, frustration and determination coloured the young woman’s eyes and Nathan knew that words could possibly be the least of her worries.

“Say it, just… say it,” Nathan whispered as she waited for the flurry of questions to come from the other gymnast, but only found silence, a short silence.

“Who are you?” Three words, only three words came from Shawn’s mouth, but they seemed to convey so much more meaning behind them; the sound of nervousness, confusion and bitterness were laced within each syllable. Nathan nodded and drew a quiet breath before she cleared her throat.

“I am Nathanial Taylor Mackenzie, I’m 23 years old and I go to UCLA,” Nathan simply answered, but because of Shawn’s tone, she knew that her answer wasn’t sufficient enough. She lowered her head and pulled herself onto the vanity, sitting on top of it. “That’s not what you want to hear, though, is it?” She heard Shawn sigh and saw a deadpanned look appear on her face.

“You’re a smart one. So let’s try that again… please,” Shawn uttered flatly as she looked up at the older woman. Nathan released a half-hearted chuckle and leaned back against the wall.

“I’m only here to help her, Shawn. I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me, but she needed help even if she didn’t want it. What else do you want to know?” Shawn smirked and shook her head as she looked down to the floor only to look passively back up at Nathan.

“You…? I don’t-you’re damned right she doesn’t know you! Helping someone never comes free, especially since she is Alicia Sacramone. I’m sure that didn’t go to your head.” Nathan blankly stared at Shawn. Who knew America’s Sweetheart was like so? When the words sunk into Nathan’s mind, she scoffed and laughed at Shawn’s naïveté.

“You think I don’t know that? Of course helping someone is never free, so please don’t start telling me that I don’t know what I’m doing. So what if she’s Alicia Sacramone, I could care less if she was Candice Parker, or Serena Williams; Alicia needed help!” Nathan shot back, only to realize her strong tone which made her sigh.

“You just said it, if it’s not free, what are you doing?” Shawn ran a hand through her hair and moved away from the door, walking over to the wall across from Nathan. Her gaze remained fixed at the other woman as she spoke; her tone inflicting accusation, “You have an angle. It’s not like she couldn’t've turned to any one of us!”

“Angle? Angle?! You think I have some kind of angle in all this? For crying out loud, I only want what’s best for Alicia! If you think I’m trying to get something out of helping Alicia, something for myself, sure, the only thing I want out of this is for her to be happy. I’m one of the damn peer counsellors at UCLA, so I do this every day!” Nathan paused, collecting herself as she realized her voice grow louder before she continued. “I don’t know why she turned to me when she had you all, but the only logical answer I have for that in my eyes is that she didn’t want to be seen as weak in front you all. She was your captain, wasn’t she? She was supposed to be the strong one and the one who held all of you up when you were all breaking, but I don’t think she wants to be seen as the one breaking. She probably thinks that what she’s going through, you guys wouldn’t get it and I offered her insight that probably gave her a reason to talk to me and not you.” The bathroom echoed every word; the walls sounded each sentence into Shawn. The unfiltered explanation drew her mind back to Alicia’s earlier words from the hallway; the desperation laced into her voice. It was almost too much for Shawn to hear, or bear. Alicia was the strong and capable sister and captain that everyone turned to and the idea of her being less than was conceivable, but the thought that it was reason enough not to talk to them was unfathomable.

“She… she feels like that?” Shawn whispered in a raspy voice as thoughts began to fly through her mind, reasons that Alicia would turn to someone else instead of them becoming clear. “But… it’s Ace…” Nathan moved from the counter and knelt in front of Shawn, taking her hands into her own as she looked at her. She saw the understanding in the Iowan’s eyes and knew she cleared some things, for now.

“She loves you guys, always know that. She wants what’s best for you and I want what’s best for her.  Please understand that, I’m not trying to undermine anyone, I’m only here to help. She’ll talk to you guys eventually, but if she’s comfortable with talking to me for now, will you not question it? If you’re wondering if I’ll tell anyone, that’s just against my contract and my conscience.” Shawn looked down at the woman in front of her and turned to the ceiling, unsure of how to reply to what was said. She squeezed the hands that held her own and pulled them away, wrapping her arms around Nathan’s neck.

“I don’t trust you 100 percent. If you are using her in any freaking way, you will have an entire team ready to hunt you down,” Shawn whispered, assuring the older woman that hell would break loose if they ever found out she was using Alicia to her advantage. Nathan chuckled and pulled away, looking at Shawn with a half-smile on her face.

“I’ll have to prove that I’m trustworthy, I know that and I wouldn’t doubt for a second you’d hunt me down. I’m just glad she has friends like you,” Nathan whispered back as she stood back up onto her feet. She leant back against the counter and saw the confused look that appeared on Shawn’s face. “What?”

“Don’t you have another competition tomorrow?” Nathan loudly groaned and rubbed her face with her hands.

“Yes and it’s well past midnight… great.” Shawn quietly laughed and headed for the door, opening it and leading Nathan out.

Those times where you think everything is going wrong and you can’t hold on any longer, you can. There is always a silver lining to every problem even if you don’t see it right off the bat. Life is a battle, a struggle, a test, it’s everything positive and negative, but you continue on. When you think hope is lost, hope is always there. Hope can be in the form of friends, family, music– anything that keeps you going, anything that gets you on with life and through all the pains and pressures of life.

Test after test, struggle after struggle, all the negativity after each other, you never let go. Holding on is the best because so many people are hoping you hold on because letting go isn’t always fair, right, or ideal. Friends, family, whatever you have or need to hold on, use it, but be mindful of who it affects. Using drugs or alcohol as means to holding on… that isn’t ideal because it might cause other struggles. Talk, listen, breathe, that’s all you have to do. Holding on isn’t hard, being in the mindset to hold on is. Never forget about the people who care because they give you the reason to hold on.

I’m deciding to update and I have nothing on my mind. Okay, that was a lie, I decided to delve into the thing called my mind and brought up many things… mainly videos I’ve been watching as of late from the Philippines. That will obviously be beyond the cut.

When it comes to those videos, some I’ll be proud of, some I’ll be laughing about, and others I’ll be dying from secondhand embarrassment. You can be the judge of these videos, since I’ve formed my own opinion on all of these already.

Ah, yes, I’ve also gotten around to listening to Filipino music again, OPMs. I’ll put up a list beyond the cut as well. After watching and listening to Filipino stuff, I think my Filipino…ness (?) is showing. Haha, yeah… however after watching all the Filipino stuff, it made me want to watch Spice Girls… stuff… yeah… those will be behind the cut as well.

Oh, I’ve formed some kind of celebrity crush on someone again. You’ll figure it out through the videos, if you know me well enough, you’ll notice who it is. Saying who it is right off the bat seems weird for me, but you know, whatever floats my boat.

This is going to be a relatively long post, so… everything shall go behind the cut… NOW!

(videos are owned by respective owners, I’m simply spreading them.)

Let the list of links of videos begin! A few of these videos will be about the same song… but different performances, case in being; they performed When I Grow Up about four times… so… you know. Time to scrounge through YouTube.

ASAP ’90s-09 (Titles are clickable)

I Hate This Part
Stickwitu/Don’t Cha ‘05 (Watch this before the next link)
Stickwitu/Don’t Cha with Melissa Reyes ‘08 (do note the choreography for Don’t Cha in both videos)
When I Grow Up (ASAP Opening)
When I Grow Up (It Girls)
When I Grow Up (Sarah Geronimo)
When I Grow Up/ 4 Minutes
Low
Mamma Mia Soundtrack
Umbrella
Filipino Medley (Kanto Boyz)
Spice Girls Medley (Kanto Boyz)
90s Medley (Carol Banawa)
One Moment In Time (Must See/ Charice)
Whitney Houston/ Celine Dion Medley (Charice)
Single Ladies (D-Lite)
ABBA Performances
Just Can’t Get Enough (KC Concepcion)
T-Shirt (It Girls)
Keeps Gettin’ Better
Break The Ice/ Disturbia
Dancecool ASAP Kapamilya
OPM Medley

Filipino Music List! (Titles are non-clickable)

Piolo Pascual – Kailangan Kita
MYMP – Kailan
Carol Banawa – Iingatan Ka
Regine Velasquez – Dadalhin
Dingdong Avanzado – Basta’t Kasama Kita
Louie Heredia/ Ronnie Liang – Nag-iisang Ikaw
Martin Nievera – Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin
Sharon Cuneta/ Sarah Geronimo – Bituing Walang Ningning
Faith Cuneta/ Sarah Geronimo – Pangarap Na Bituin
Sheryn Regis – Dito Ba

Spice Girls! (Titles are clickable)

Old Ozone Interview (Very funny)

Viva Forever (With Luv from Marcel)

2 Become 1 (Strictly Come Dancing)

Yup, if you’re bored, you can watch the videos or listen to the music. Haha, even if you can’t understand the lyrics, the music will suffice. Haha.

She didn’t know why she sent a text. She didn’t know why she wanted to talk. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have other people to turn to, but… she turned to her. She could feel her heart thump loudly in her ears as she brought her phone up to her ear.

“Hello?” She shut her eyes and realized what she was doing. She quietly sighed and leaned back against wall opposite of Nastia and Shawn’s door. “Alicia, if you’re there, answer me.”

“Hey,” She reluctantly replied back, trying to keep a light tone despite her raspy voice. She wrapped her free arm around herself as she looked up at the ceiling, wondering what she was meaning to say.

“Hey, what’s up?” Nathan’s voice sent tingles up her spine and she didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing.

“Nothing really, how are you?” Alicia heard the quiet laugh from Nathan and deeply sighed.

“You can skip the small talk, you know that?” The other woman responded back.

“Life sucks,” Alicia flatly replied back, only to hear another chuckle from the other woman. She glanced down the hallways, hoping no one would hear her.

“No duh, life sucks; we can’t do anything about it but move on and deal with it. But that wasn’t what you were about say.” Another silence hovered onto the conversation and it seemed that nothing else would be said. Alicia remained hesitant, she feared that saying too much would be completely stupid considering Nathan was practically a stranger to her, but the amount of hesitancy wasn’t strong enough since she still made contact with the other woman. She opened her mouth, ready to say something, when she heard another voice through the line.

“Nathanial!” A female voice called out from the other end, drawling the name. Alicia heard a loud grunt and supposed it was Nathan.

“Lindsay! Ugh, get off! I’m trying to talk to someone here!”

“Is it Alicia?” The Brown gymnast froze in the hallway. The idea of being caught-that didn’t appeal to Alicia at all.

“Ugh, none of your business dear friend, now please get-ugh!” A muffled thud and laughter sounded through the line.

“Nathanial!” Another female voice called out.

“Riley, get off! What’s with you two?” Alicia shut her eyes once again when she realized her conversation with Nathan had been completely interrupted.

“Seriously, is that Alicia?” Alicia heard the voice and guessed it was Lindsay. She was praying strongly, hoping that Nathan wouldn’t reveal her.

“Why do you think it’s Alicia and why would you care?” Nathan’s tone and reply was somehow comforting.

“Okay, well you and Alicia Sacramone have been pretty close these couple of days. And I care because you managed to make me care. Tell her I’m sorry about insulting her.” Alicia furrowed her brow and scratched her head. She was gaining some sort of apology?

“Whatever you say, now…” The line went silent until Alicia heard a faint thud and a grunt. “I’m going to take this call outside. I’ll be back.” The sound of footsteps, heavy breathing and a door clicking open then close occurred. “So, yeah, what were we saying before I got my behind jumped?”

“She’s apologizing?” Alicia immediately asked, unsure of how to take the indirect apology from the UCLA gymnast.

“Yeah, Lindsay apologized… sort of.”

“Why?”

“Because I decided to put everything in perspective for her; she went on a guilt trip and everything happened from there. I said that I would talk to her, didn’t I? Anyways, are you okay?” Nathan explained, only to cut to the main point.

“I’m perfectly peachy,” Alicia lied; wondering if that would throw the other woman off. She heard the scoff and knew what she said didn’t do anything.

“I saw the look on your face earlier. Dude, I didn’t know if you were about to run off, cry, or knock me out.” The line fell silent and Nathan wondered if Alicia had hung up on her. She leaned back against a wall and waited for some kind of response.

“You suck, you know that?” Nathan raised her eyebrow at the words. She started to make her way down the hallway.

“I do?” She heard a loud exasperated sigh and knew she was about to hear an emotional response.

“Because you do! I mean, you’re so logical it’s sickening! The way you perform during competitions, it’s way too perfect! Everyone’s brushing me aside because of you, you’re suddenly the number one player and I’m some washed up has been. I decided to try gymnastics one last time, but then you appear and completely wipe the mats with me and it isn’t fair! I wanted to have a great final run, but then you decided to play Houdini and ruin it for me! You totally suck!” Alicia retorted back, nearly yelling into her cellphone. She took a deep breath and ran her free hand through her hair. Nathan, on the other hand, cringed at the reply. She had a feeling Alicia was holding back her emotions, but she had no idea how much she was holding back.

“I didn’t mean to-”

“You didn’t mean to show up out of nowhere and blow me out of the water? Bullshit, I bet you totally planned this out! You knew that I wouldn’t be in shape to perform and that would give you enough time to plan out a new strategy!” Alicia shut her eyes and slammed her free hand against the wall near her. “Holy shit man! I’m trying to do my best here and I want to be remembered for something more than falling during the Olympics, but you… you show up and screwed things up! NCAA should be mine! Sure, I sound like a selfish jerk, but it sucks like hell that I’m starting to be pushed aside so easily!” Nathan raised her eyebrows and deeply sighed, running her hand through her own hair. She turned the corner of the hallway and saw Alicia pacing feverishly down one end, away from her.

“Alicia…” was all she whispered as she noticed the frustration in the other woman’s actions.

“Damn it, Nate, it’s not fair! I just… I don’t want to feel so weak!” Nathan took a quiet breath and walked down the hallway, her free hand behind her neck.

“I know it’s not fair, Alicia, but you have to take it into stride. You overcame Beijing and you can overcome this. I’m sorry you feel that I’m upstaging you, but I didn’t plan on it and you know that. I worked my ass off to get where I am and you worked yours to get to Beijing and you made it!” Nathan stopped herself and knew her tone started to sound unbecoming. She shook her head and tried to remain cool as she continued, “You worked yourself so hard that of course you’ll feel weak; you practically kicked your ass to make it on the Olympic Team. You recovered from the Olympics, but did you really recover? There will always be that thought that if you came back, would you really have anything left after the Olympics? You went back to Brown and then you’re back on the gymnastics team. You’re ready to run yourself into the ground.” Alicia clenched her free hand into a fist and faced the wall, leaning her forehead against it as she let out a shaky breath. She felt tears begin to sting her eyes, but she let them fall; fighting them didn’t seem worth it.

“You’re so… logical.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Alicia, I’m here to talk. I told you, if you need or want to talk, just call me and you did. I’ll only tell you generally what you should hear and it’ll be your choice if you heed or ignore it.”

“Why do you care?” Alicia quietly asked, her voice breaking near the end, with tears falling down her face.

“Because I do… turn around,” Nathan whispered as she stopped walking and watched as Alicia slowly turned to her direction. She closed her phone and placed it into her pocket when she saw the other woman tightly clutch the phone and run towards her. She quietly grunted when Alicia ran into her, arms around her body; crying. She didn’t expect the reaction she received, but nonetheless, all she could do was carefully wrap her arms around the shorter woman, letting her cry. “Alicia…”

“I hate this, Nate… I hate this…” Alicia whispered, clutching onto Nathan as tight as she could. Her thoughts stopped running and all she could do was cry. All the pent up emotion within her started to pour out with every word, every tear and every breath. Her energy began to disappear with the release of emotion and the next thing she knew, her legs gave way underneath her, but Nathan managed to catch her before she fell.

“Alicia, we should get to your room,” Nathan quietly suggested, knowing the hallway wasn’t an ideal place to be. She looked down and saw Alicia’s face buried against her shirt, remaining unmoved even with the broken sobs against her chest. She felt her heart break with every choked breath and it made her sick to think that Alicia thought of herself as weak when she wasn’t.

“No,” the other woman flatly answered, turning her head slightly to breathe.

“But-”

“Let’s go for a drive,” Alicia croaked, hoping Nathan would say yes. She refused to see any of her teammates or her friends in the current state she was in, it was too… humiliating.

“Are you sure-”

“Yes, please… I need to get out of here.” Nathan took a deep breath as she reluctantly agreed, carefully standing up, helping Alicia onto her feet.

“It’ll be okay.” The two walked down the hallway to the elevator, both with relatively heavy hearts. Their departure, however, wasn’t left unseen.

The next day wasn’t as bad as before, she managed to keep herself falling, but she still found herself short from getting top marks… or runner up… she nearly missed placing at all. It ended with Team Finals Vault, she should’ve been able to wipe the competition with it, but she didn’t. She looked to her far left and saw the gymnastics team from LSU and found Nathan’s UCLA team at the top spot. She faintly smiled at the LSU gymnasts and almost fully smiled towards Nathan, despite the sinking feeling she felt. As they all moved from their spots, she found a flurry of smiles directed at her; most of them were from her teammates, but a few of them were from her teammates.

“What are you all doing here?” She looked in disbelief at her younger friends: Shawn, Nastia, Samantha, Bridget and Chellsie, all of them had smiles on their faces.

“Why wouldn’t we be here? You said that you were hanging up the leotard,” Nastia started, only to have Chellsie continue.

“But then we found out you were still competing and we decided to get our butts over here.”

“Don’t you guys have classes? Do your parents even know you’re all here?” Alicia questioned her friends, wondering how they managed to arrive in Lincoln with their school schedules as well with their parents’ consent. As much as she was glad for their appearance, she didn’t want to know that they were in trouble because of her.

“Okay, dude, duh we have classes but we managed to find out you were still competing so we all called each other up and flew over here. And, all our parents know-do you honestly think Nastia and Shawn can just appear here without permission?” Samantha immediately answered, cutting off the older gymnast. Alicia bit her lower lip and quietly laughed as she saw the glares from the mentioned women sent toward Samantha.

“Anyways, you did awesome, and I swear that you totally got ripped off by that UCLA girl,” Bridget said as moved the attention from Samantha.

“Yeah, but her vault was still amazing,” Shawn unknowingly answered, only to receive glares from the others, except for Alicia, who chuckled. She bit her lower lip and realized what she said.

“Yeah, Nathan’s vault was amazing, so it’s no surprise that her team won, right?” Alicia asked as she turned to look for the UCLA team. She saw the bright smile on Nathan’s face as well as the wide grins on the rest of the Bruins team. She was happy for them, that they won and that they had an excellent teammate, but it still hurt her to know that she nearly missed placing. When she turned back to her friends, she saw their concerned looks on their faces. Her face, in turn, pulled into confusion as she said, “What?”

“Are you okay, Alicia?” Nastia placed her hand on the older woman’s shoulder, noting the odd look Alicia had when she looked at the UCLA team. She also sensed the sadness in Alicia’s voice as she spoke.

“I’m okay-I’m okay Nast,” Alicia faintly smiled. She knew her friends weren’t convinced, but she really had nothing else to say.

“Hey Sacramone, you did awesome today!” The six young women turned to find the UCLA gymnast approach them, with a bright smile on her face, alone. Alicia looked up at the taller woman and quietly said a word of thanks.

“Thanks, you completely wiped us out of here.” Nathan sheepishly smiled and shook her head. “You were great though.”

“Thanks, but you still did awesome. A few of the other gymnasts, from other colleges, are gonna head out right now for a bit to a restaurant and chill out, do you want to come?” Alicia glanced back to her friends before she looked back up at Nathan. She solemnly shook her head and bit her lower lip.

“Thanks, but I have…” Nathan looked past the other gymnast and saw the rest of the Olympic Team before a smile crossed her lips.

“No problem, it’s all good. It’s nice to see you all.” The five other gymnasts smiled at the other woman and nodded in reply. They watched as Nathan turned back to Alicia and place a hand on their former captain’s shoulder. “I should get going; I’ll see you tomorrow at Event Finals.”

“I’ll see you later,” Alicia whispered back as she hugged the other gymnast.

“Of course, stay cool, okay?” Nathan whispered back, knowing Alicia would be the only one to hear her. She pulled back far enough to kiss the shorter gymnast’s temple before pulling away completely. She took one last glance at the other gymnasts before saying goodbye and departing.

“She seems really cool,” Bridget said as she watched the taller woman exit the gymnasium.

“Yeah… she is. Come on; let’s go back to the hotel and catch up, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Alicia deeply breathed as she turned to her friends with a forced smile on her face. She wanted to leave the gymnasium, everything seemed to go downhill; she needed to unwind.

***

The six young women stayed in Shawn and Nastia’s room for the remainder of the afternoon, watching occasional episodes of Gossip Girl, and catching up with each others’ lives. There were laughs, but a few tears were shed during their reminiscing.

“I’m glad for this, you know?” Alicia said as she looked at her friends across the beds, smiles on their faces.

“I missed this, I missed you all,” Shawn added as she turned to all of her friends. Alicia smiled and nodded as she picked at the comforter they sat upon. Her sudden quiet demeanour wasn’t lost to her once teammates and now friends; it wasn’t like Alicia to remain quiet for so long, unless something bothered her.

“Hey Ace, is there an ice cream parlour around?” The sound of Nastia’s voice pulled Alicia out of whatever reverie she was in. The older woman glanced at the blonde and saw a knowing look on her face which made her nod.

“Yeah, it’s not that far from here.”

“Good, let’s go get some ice cream,” Nastia stated as she moved from the bed, waiting for her friend to follow her. “We’ll be right back.” Alicia slowly followed her out of the room as they made their way down the hallway to the elevator of the hotel. Once they entered an elevator car, sure that it was only them, Nastia looked at the brunette whose expression made evident that she was in another world.

“It sucks, you know.” Nastia turned to her friend and saw the silent tear that ran down her face.

“What does?” was all she could say as she wiped the tear away.

“I’m feeling like a weak gymnast and the NCAA is completely kicking my ass,” Alicia quietly said as she gripped the railing of the elevator, her gaze directed to the floor. She felt a sinking feeling within her and she hated it. She didn’t feel the arm Nastia wrapped around her shoulders for comfort; it felt numb.

“You aren’t weak, Alicia, your body’s beat up tremendously. Besides, you can’t win everything,” Nastia replied back, suddenly feeling her friend freeze against her. The silence hovered in the elevator and it bothered her, she felt so helpless.

“It’s not about the winning anymore, Nast. I go out there and compete and it’s okay that… I’m not doing well, but it seriously sucks that I’m being pushed to the side so easily. I-I just don’t-I hate feeling so…”

“Washed up?” Nastia quietly suggested as she saw Alicia nod.

“I wanted to give gymnastics one last go before I officially retire, but it’s not going my way. Some people are so hung up when I fall because of the Olympics and I’ve gotten over it-” The words that came from Alicia’s mouth abruptly stopped. She remembered the day before when Lindsay openly insulted her, using Beijing as support, and the want to punch her out was strong. Then, the recollection of her at the bar came to her mind. Everything seemed to go against her and it made her feel sicker.

The elevator bell tolled and the doors opened. Alicia immediately exited with Nastia following behind her, worry written all over her face. She briskly walked through the lobby and ended up walking into another person. She muttered a word of apology, but found a hand wrapped around her wrist.

“Slow down, where’s the fire at?” Alicia tensed at the sound of the familiar voice. Was it a sign?

“N-Nathan,” The name barely slipped through Alicia’s lips as she looked up at the taller woman. Here she was once again, when she felt like dirt. She saw the suddenly concerned look on Nathan’s face and realized she must have pulled some kind of expression without knowing it. She felt the hold on her wrist tighten and she knew she should be talking; however, she didn’t speak when the hold on her wrist turned into a hold on her hand.

“Nathanial, hurry your butt!” Nathan looked down at their clasped hands and slowly dragged her thumb along the palm of Alicia’s hand. She glanced at the shorter woman and saw her gaze directed at the ink inside her hand.

“Coming!” Nathan called out as she gently squeezed Alicia’s hand before letting her go and turning to Nastia with a small smile on her face. She patted them both on the shoulder before running off to the elevator where most of her friends were.

Alicia deeply sighed and balled her hands into fists as she shut her eyes, turning away. She started to walk out of the hotel without a second thought. Nastia looked back to where Nathan disappeared to and wondered what the exchange between the two was about. She furrowed her brow and turned back to look at Alicia, only to realize she was already halfway out the door.

“Alicia!” she cried out as she ran after the older woman.

***

The two returned to the hotel with a small carton of vanilla ice cream in tow, but the earlier low moods remained. Alicia stayed silent throughout the small walk and remained so when they returned to the hotel room. The others picked up on the mood, but decided not to push on it, knowing Alicia would eventually voice her troubles. They ended up quietly watching Grey’s Anatomy, though the heavy mood lingered on everyone’s mind.

During a later episode, Nastia noticed as Alicia pulled out her cellphone and glanced at her left palm before sending a text. She furrowed her brow and watched as Alicia speedily typed in a text and put her phone away, only to have it ringing a few moments later.

“Hey, I’ve got to take this, I’ll be right back,” Alicia stated as she stood up and left the hotel room without another word.

She wasn’t supposed to fall like that. She wasn’t supposed to fall period. It was a Floor Exercise, she was supposed to be pro at it, but she fell. She fell at the Olympics and now she fell once again at the NCAA. She was nervous and it wasn’t fair because this wasn’t the Olympics, it was another college competition… against other colleges in the country. Now, here she was, sitting at the bleachers waiting for her next event as she saw her name drop on the scoreboard.

“Bears are supposed to be fierce, not clumsy.” She looked to the side and found two women approach her in their sweats; one of them with an evident smug smirk on her face, while the other had an exasperated look. She clenched her fists and fought the urge to punch this know-it-all for insulting her indirectly.

“And what are you supposed to be, a blueberry?” Alicia retorted back as she looked at the full blue and white leotards and sweats the other young women had on. She unintentionally pulled on a glare and watched as the one with the smug smirk glare back at her.

“Blue bears with a punch,” The woman who had an exasperated look quietly said as she looked to the floor, not noticing the blank look on Alicia’s face.

“At least we weren’t the ones who cost America gold at the Olympics.” Alicia flinched at the words and was ready to stand up when the quiet gymnast quickly spoke.

“Okay, let’s go because I have a Floor Routine to get to,” The gymnast quickly interjected as she wrapped an arm around her verbal teammate and dragged her off to the other end of the bleachers. Alicia blankly watched as they walked away, but she saw that young woman look back towards her mouthing a word of apology.

***

The NCAA Championships preliminaries ended with a heavy blow to Alicia. She deeply sighed and found herself fifth beneath a Stanford gymnast and that UCLA gymnast whose friend offended her. The loss and the words spoken to her hurt her deeply despite hearing it before and it unfortunately led her to the bar of the hotel most of the teams stayed at for the NCAA Championships. She sat at the bar and hadn’t bought a drink… yet. The bartender approached her once again, the third time that evening, and asked her if she wanted some kind of refreshment. Her mind juggled between yes and no; it wouldn’t be a great idea if someone from the other teams or judging panel saw her drinking.

“No, she was waiting for me.” Alicia turned around on her stool to figure out where the voice came from and who discouraged her drink. She saw a tall female wearing a baby blue loose top with a denim skirt and white shoes while her dark hair flowed down her shoulders. She furrowed her brow and wondered who this woman was when she recognized the worry lines on the woman’s forehead. She watched as the woman approached her and placed a hand on her shoulder, looking at her. “Come on; let’s go, sorry about the wait.”

“Oh, weren’t you the one in the top three from today’s competition in gymnastics?” The bartender’s question caught both Alicia and the woman by surprise; a bartender knew about gymnastics? Alicia looked over at the other woman and forced herself from smirking.

“Me? Nah, you probably have me confused with someone else. Anyways, let’s go,” The woman brightly smiled as she grabbed Alicia’s hand and practically dragged her off of the stool and off to the main lobby.

“You lied,” Alicia flatly stated as she looked up at the taller woman. Her eyes gazed from their clasped hands back up to the woman’s face.

“So sue me,” The woman jokingly said as she finally let go of Alicia’s hand as they entered the main lobby. She collapsed onto a chair and looked over at the other woman whose look of disapproval made her laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Alicia asked; her brow knitted together as she spoke.

“Do you ever notice that you’re giving off some kind of look?” The next look that came about was a confused one.

“What?”

“Right before you asked me what was funny; you gave me this really annoyed look or something. Like earlier, when you gave us a comeback about being blueberries, you glared at us,” The woman answered back, only to be receive a blank look from Alicia.

“I glared at you?” The woman nodded which made Alicia frown. “Hey, you guys insulted me.”

“Yeah, that was Lindsay’s doing, not mine. The only reason I said anything was to try and lighten the mood and to keep you two from killing each other on the spot. With Lindsay, agreeing with her takes less effort because what she said was obscure-mentioning the Olympics was low, yes I know-but everything else could’ve been taken by stride. I, eventually, talk to her and get her to understand what our perspectives are.”

“You sound like a sheep,” Alicia scoffed at the explanation.

“Okay, if I disagreed on the spot, then there would be a heck of a lot of more pointless bickering between all three of us. Which would you choose? Bickering on and on about nothing or agreeing and just moving on, letting me talk to her after and get her to apologize?” The woman asked back as she backed up her thought. She saw the conflict in Alicia’s eyes and knew she delivered her point across.

“Okay, I’ll give you that, but why did you have to drag me from getting a drink?”

“You know what, come with me.” Alicia watched as the woman stood up and extended her hand towards her. She raised an eyebrow and questioningly looked at the practical stranger.

“And I’m going to trust a stranger, why?”

“Because this stranger saved you from being possibly attacked by the other teams and your coach if they found out you were about to get drunk because you lost today.” Alicia glared at the woman for assuming such a thing, but that rationalization was relatively dead on.

“What makes you think I was gonna get drunk because of losing?”

“Come with me and I’ll tell you. If I’m wrong, you can tell me why I was wrong.” Alicia looked between the woman’s face and the hand extended towards her. She knew that saying yes would be completely unorthodox because the woman was a stranger and saying yes could lead her to her demise. Without full thought, she placed her hand in the other woman’s and allowed herself to be taken away.

***

The two drove up to a barren lot that overlooked Nebraska and exited the rental car, approaching the guard railing. Alicia smiled at the skyline; the city lights brightened her mood. She looked up at the sky and saw the many stars and the bright moon; her negativity disappeared. She leaned against the hood of the car and turned to her companion who, too, sat on the hood beside her.

“How did you know about this place?” Alicia watched as her companion crossed her arms over her chest and smiled.

“My brother stayed in Nebraska, went to university here and he showed me a few places where it’s pretty quiet so he can get away.”

“Your brother went to Nebraska? Then why are you in UCLA?” A quiet laugh was all Alicia heard. She watched as the other woman nodded and looked at her.

“Yeah, my brother went to Nebraska because he was a big writer and wanted to get some exposure with the U of Nebraska Press. As for me, I went to UCLA because L.A. has something there I like and between UCLA and Stanford… UCLA’s mascot seemed more appealing than Stanford’s.” The explanation about the choice of mascots made Alicia chuckle, even if she had to choose between UCLA and Stanford by mascot, she would’ve picked UCLA any day.

“A tree doesn’t seem that appealing unlike a bruin,” Alicia smiled as she turned her gaze back to the skyline in front of her.

“And drinking during a competition doesn’t seem appealing either.” Alicia froze. She really didn’t want to talk about the incident at the hotel’s bar… at all.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Don’t even think of closing up on me now!” Alicia deeply sighed and moved from the hood and re-entered the car. She leaned the seat back as far as it could and stared at the ceiling of the car, hearing and seeing her companion enter the driver’s side. She remained silent and clasped her hands over her abdomen, trying to think of a decent explanation for being at the bar.

“You were right.” She looked over at the other woman and saw her seat tilted back all the way, lying on her side towards her with her elbow propped against the seat and her head resting against her hand.

“Go on…” Alicia sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

“I was at the bar… because I lost today,” She reluctantly answered. She turned back to the other woman and saw an expression that spoke words to her; she knew her companion wanted to hear more.

“I’m not judging you.”

“Well… okay, it was Beijing… when I fell… twice. It sucked, man, feeling like you cost your team gold. I know that mathematically we wouldn’t have won, but still, my falls just happened to be icing on the cake-makes me instant scapegoat. Ugh, when that… teammate of yours decided to bring that up, I wanted to punch her out because she didn’t know what I felt that moment, what we were going through! I just wanted to momentarily forget about it, you know?”

“Alicia, this is alcohol we’re talking about. If you keep turning for a bottle of booze every time you feel like crap, you will be like crap. I mean, if you wanted to momentarily forget, talk to you friends or something. Look here, I took you up here and you looked down at the rest of the city and you forgot about Beijing and about losing.” Alicia looked back up at the ceiling and smiled because that was true, she did forget about the negativity when she looked down at the city.

“Are you always this right?” The other woman laughed and sighed. Alicia turned back to her companion when she felt a hand clasp with her own.

“Seriously, though, don’t turn to alcohol because it isn’t worth it. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, hell, talk to me for all I care, just don’t drink.”

“What happens if I want to talk to you and we’re not in the same competition-hypothetically speaking, of course?” Alicia watched as the woman released her hand, sat up, pulled out a pen from the visor and grabbed her hand, writing numbers against her palm. “You’re writing your phone number?”

“Cellphone, feel free to call whenever you like-or text, I don’t think it’s possible to answer calls in the middle of class.”

“Are you serious?” Alicia asked incredulously.

“My words might not sound serious, but I am. If you need to talk, want to talk, just call me if you have no one else around or if you just want to talk to me period. Keep the drinking at parties or none at all, okay?” The woman stated firmly as she made sure her phone number was inked into Alicia’s hand before she clasped that hand once again.

“You’re really serious?” The incredulous look never left Alicia’s face.

“I already wrote my number, so of course I’m serious. Come on; please set your seat in an upright position because we are heading back to the hotel.”

“Already?” Alicia watched as their hands disconnected and her companion replaced her seat back to its original position. She eventually complied and moved her seat back, but her gaze never left the other woman.

“It’s getting late and we have another competition tomorrow.”

“Oh great…” Alicia groaned as she pulled her seat belt on.

***

Alicia headed back to her hotel room with the other woman beside her. They remained relatively silent with the occasional small talk in the mix. When Alicia arrived to the door of her room, she looked up at her companion and smiled, quietly thanking her for the reality check.

“It’s okay, I’m glad to have distracted you somehow.”

“Still, thank you.” Alicia felt a small kiss pressed against her forehead and then it dawned upon her. “Wait, I never got your name.”

“Nathanial, but I go by Nathan or Nate. I’ll see you tomorrow at the gym okay, Sacramone?” Alicia raised her eyebrow at the odd choice of name for a female, but nodded nonetheless as she watched the other woman walked down the hallway.

Title: Say Goodbye

Rating: G

Fandom: United States Women’s Gymnastics Team

Song: Say Goodbye by S Club 7

Notes: I do not own the characters or the song featured. I shall say that this is completely inspired by this fic by shawty_swingz. Angst, I tell you, angst! Oh and here’s a download link to the song, just in case you don’t have it. Please put the song in repeat; makes the fic more dramatic, HAHA! *Places a box of tissue on an imaginary LJ table*

Summary: It is the final day the entire team has together as one unit in Beijing before they take their separate roads in life once they return home.

It was the final day that Alicia Sacramone, Bridget Sloan, Chellsie Memmel, Nastia Liukin, Samantha Peszek and Shawn Johnson would spend a day all together as one bonded unit-a family-before they returned home to America and went their separate ways. Sure, the tour would somehow get them back together, but it wouldn’t be the same; not everyone would be there all in the same day-everything was going to be different. The six girls all found themselves in Nastia and Shawn’s room, lying on the two beds that had been pushed together, looking at each other in silence. They thought about having some kind of reunion every so often because they were more than teammates, they were friends, they were sisters; abandoning each other was not an option, but they knew that their schedules would be gruelling at some point and that not everyone would be able to make it.

The thought of actually splitting up and going back to their own lives was something hard for all of them to comprehend. They had spent so many months together that they couldn’t really see themselves without the others around. All the bonds had been created and for them to be slowly strained due to absence, it wasn’t the brightest thought for any of them. It also didn’t help that Nastia was leaving for America the following day while all of them were bound to stay a couple days longer or until the closing ceremonies, it made the reality of separation that much more real.

“I really don’t want to leave,” Shawn whispered, looking across to see Samantha looking back at her with eyes mirroring her own anxiety. She reached out with her right hand and entwined them with Samantha, feeling another hand entwine with her left. She took a deep breath and sighed as she felt Nastia hold her hand as she crawled up and lied behind her, holding her.

“I don’t think any of us do,” Alicia breathed, as she slowly crawled up behind Samantha, mirroring Nastia and Shawn’s position. She looked up and saw that Chellsie and Bridget were in the same position; all three pairs making a relative circle.

“I’m really going to miss you guys,” Bridget choked out, feeling tears well up in her eyes. She took a deep breath and willed for them to stay back, but every passing second and thought made her willpower wane. She felt Chellsie rub her arm, trying to comfort her, and it did to an extent.

In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared

Nothing lasts forever though we want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

All six of them had tears forming in their eyes, but all of them willed them back; they wanted to be strong for one another. Saying goodbye wasn’t going to be easy if they had trouble thinking about it. They all looked at each other and remembered the days when they would practice together, eat together and hang out together, wishing that it would never end.

“I don’t want to say goodbye…” Nastia whispered, her face pressed up against Shawn’s shoulder. She couldn’t handle the reality that it was almost over. She took a deep breath and looked up at the other girls, seeing a knowing and understanding look on all their faces which partially eased her heart.

Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it’s the hardest thing to say
I’ll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don’t you cry
‘Cause true love never dies

“No one does, Nast, but we all have to eventually. What am I saying, we’ll eventually see each other down the road, this isn’t goodbye, it’s more like a see you later,” Alicia replied back, her voice cracking as tried to hold back her tears. She half-laughed, hoping to lighten up the mood, but she saw the unchanged looks and sighed, pulling Samantha closer to her.

In a year from now
Maybe there’ll be things
we’ll wish we’d never said

Sometimes goodbye, so it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, so it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it’s the hardest thing to say
I’ll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye (so say goodbye)
But don’t you cry
‘Cause true love never dies

“I wish everything didn’t have to happen so fast, I just want to stay with you guys forever,” Chellsie breathed, watching as everyone held onto each other as if they were their last lifeline. She, too, tightened her hold on Bridget, wishing time would stand still.

“We’ll see each other, maybe not all at once, but we will. We’ll figure something out during the tour, all of us will stay in one city and just hang out,” Shawn stated, wiping her eyes from the tears that threatened to spill down her face. She saw the half-smiles on the others as she tightened her grip on Samantha and Nastia’s hands.

“It’s not the end, why are we freaking out like we’ll never see each other?” Bridget asked, already knowing the answer, but the question nagged at her.

“Because we live miles apart… our lives are going to change once we leave Beijing,” Samantha answered, looking over at Bridget, seeing the sadness in her eyes.

“Well, why are we just lying here then? If this is our final day, shouldn’t we try to make the best of it? There is no way I’m going leave Beijing depressed,” Alicia stated, pushing herself off of the bed into a sitting position. She looked over at everyone else and sighed. “Come on… as team captain, I say we go out.”

“Alicia…” Nastia quietly drawled out, watching as the other girl began to pull everyone up into sitting positions.

“Seriously, I’m not letting us waste this perfectly good day. Today is our last day and we’re making the best of it, got that? Nastia’s leaving tomorrow and then we’ll all leave for our own lives; this is our day, so let’s get on it,” Alicia stated, but she immediately wanted to bite her tongue when she saw Shawn’s tears freely flowing down her face. She realized that reality was truly setting on the younger girl and all she could do was crawl over to Shawn and pull her into a hug.

And when you need my arms to run into
I’ll comfort you
Nothing will ever change the way I feel

Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it’s the hardest thing to say
I’ll miss your love in every day
So say goodbye
But don’t you cry
`Cause a true love never dies

Everyone eventually joined into creating a group hug. All of them held onto each other and soon all their tears were flowing down their faces and none of them were willing to make it stop, it was their moment; their bond as a family. They knew that despite this turn in their lives that everything would be okay, everything would turn out for the best. Nothing would break their bond and nothing would forever separate them; they were a team, they were friends, they would never let each other go.

“I love you guys and know that it’s never going to be goodbye, it will always be a see you later,” Alicia whispered.

The quiet din of cars passing through the streets beneath the hotel did nothing to calm the Russian Olympic medalist. Nastia Liukin, America’s golden Olympian, who seemed to be able to focus, concentrate and take control of any situation given to her, felt at a loss.

To her honesty, Nastia felt challenged; more challenged than being in the Olympics. She had no idea why one little thought kept her from staying calm and collected. Every time she thought about that one little idea, she seemed to unravel and lose control; falling into the abyss she called her feelings.

A crush.

That was the ‘little idea’ that constantly put Nastia swirl into a spiral of inner conflict. To Nastia, a crush was simply something small and nothing to lose sleep over; her many boy crushes never affected her so much, but this crush was more than she expected. That one night where she watched Shawn sleep soundly on the bus had her emotionally and mentally conflicted. The way the younger girl managed to unintentionally put her entranced had her reeling. She had no explanation why that night made her see Shawn in a different light, but it did and she knew that her life changed from that night.

Tonight, Nastia began to examine the thoughts and feelings she felt that night and everything seemed to fall back to something that told her she had a crush on her best friend; not a friendly crush that meant admiration or adoration, but a crush that involved the longing for the other to like them in the same way. She knew it was completely irrational to have a crush on her best friend because for one thing, they were girls and girls do not have these kind of crushes on other girls; theoretically. However, theory exists so much in the real world and in the real world, unexpected things are bound to happen, and this was completely unexpected.

An anxious groan came from Nastia as she started to delve deeper into her feelings once again. She rolled onto her stomach and buried her face into her pillow as thoughts began to rush into her mind. All the ‘what if’ questions bombarded her; what if she really did have a crush on Shawn, what if Shawn found out, what if her parents found out, what if everyone found out, what if she liked Shawn for more than a friend, what if she did succumb to her crush? The questions continued to pile into her head and Nastia could do nothing to make it stop. She tried to think of something else, but it somehow led back to Shawn and her crush, which was driving her to the edge.

The quiet monotonous sound from the vibrations of the cellphone had Nastia blindly reaching out for the device. She wondered who would be calling her at that ungodly hour, but any distraction would suffice (in her mind) to keep her on track. She found her phone and lifted her head to see who was calling.

“Is this a sign or something?” Nastia muttered to herself incredulously, noticing it was Shawn who was trying to contact her. She realized that Shawn left her a message and she flicked her phone to read the little note.

‘Hey Nast, are you asleep? Sorry if I woke you, I really can’t sleep.’ Nastia quietly chuckled at the text message; that was Shawn for her, the text messages in the early mornings asking if she was awake. Usually, she would actually be asleep only to wake up and answer the text, but tonight was not one of those nights; she was awake, wide awake. Though conflicted, Nastia answered the text replying that she was awake and that it was okay for her to message her; they were best friends after all. She sighed and buried her face back into her pillow, holding her phone in her hand.

“Should I really be doing this, right now?” Nastia mumbled to herself against her pillow. Before she could go into an internal monologue about what she was doing, her cellphone began to vibrate in her hand. Once again, she pulled her head away from her pillow to look at the display on her phone and saw Shawn actually calling her.

“This is a sign, isn’t it?” She smirked and answered her phone. “Hey, what’s up?” A quiet breathing was all Nastia could hear and she wondered what was going on.

“Hey, you sound really awake,” Shawn whispered, noting Nastia’s bright voice. She rarely ever found Nastia awake so early and so chipper, but there was a first time for anything, right?

“I couldn’t really sleep… too much on my mind I guess,” Nastia quietly replied back, holding herself back with the thought that something might slip. She heard a suppressed laugh from the other line and it made her smile.

“Miss Nastia Liukin, unable to sleep because she has too much on her mind? You slept like a baby before every competition, what changed?” Nastia half-heartedly laugh at Shawn’s response; always the observant one.

“You,” Nastia whispered back and her eyes completely widened at what she said. She pressed her face into her pillow and moved her phone away, groaning loudly into her pillow, realizing she said something that she did not mean to say. She brought her phone back to her ear, waiting for a reply; hoping that Shawn did not hear her whatsoever. Thoughts began to rush madly back into her mind and new ‘what-if’ questions appeared; this was not good. She waited and waited, but there was a silence and it was beginning to make her nervous. She felt her heart thundering in her ears from the anxiety and her palms growing sweatier by the passing second. Did Shawn hear her?

“What was that? I sort of spaced out…” Shawn trailed off into a silence. Little did she know that Nastia was ready to pass out in her room. However, she did hear a deep sigh from the other end of the line, but she thought nothing of it, thinking that Nastia was annoyed that she spaced out.

“Stupid Freudian slips…” Nastia breathed, rubbing her free hand over her face.

“What was that?” Nastia froze and cleared her throat, slapping her forehead.

“Nothing, I think I’m just tired- making me speak really random things,” She replied back, trying to sound as inconspicuous as possible, but her tone sounded otherwise. Luckily, she managed to keep herself from rambling on and eventually setting herself up for defeat.

“Oh… do you want me to leave you alone?” Nastia smacked her forehead again and rubbed her face; wondering what was going on with her. She took a deep breath and tried to collect herself so something she actually wanted to say would come out instead of some random thing.

“No, it’s okay, it’s not like I’m tired to the point of passing out, just tired because it’s late. You don’t have to leave, you’re not doing anything,” Nastia took a deep breath and realized she did not completely withhold herself entirely from rambling. “No, don’t leave me alone.”

“Are you sure?”

“Shawn, always the thoughtful one,” Nastia thought, rolling onto her back as she looked up at the ceiling. “Yes, I’m sure. Anyways, Miss Johnson, why are you still awake?” She heard Shawn giggle on the other end, making her smile.

“If you must know, the tour’s starting to get to me actually; I can’t sleep, I’m getting kind of homesick,” Shawn quietly replied back, answering Nastia’s question.

Nastia quietly sighed at Shawn’s statement. She knew how much the other girl missed being at home after arriving from Beijing; she said so during one of the day offs in the tour. She, too, also missed home; all the interviews and all the promotions she had to do was starting to take a toll on her as well. Even if all she did was fun, it was still tiring.

“So do I, Shawn, so do I. Once the tour is over, we can go home and just relax,” Nastia replied back, hearing a quiet snort from the other line.

“Will I still get to see you?” Shawn’s voice pulled at Nastia’s heart; the sound of apprehension and anxiety evident. The possible look of sadness on Shawn’s face passed through Nastia’s mind and it made her frown; she wanted to run to Shawn and hold her and tell her that everything would be okay.

“Yeah, of course you’ll see me, why do you think you won’t?” Nastia quietly asked, knowing that Shawn would give her an explanation that would undoubtedly have her thinking, after hearing her sigh.

“Come on Nast, what do you think? Once the tour is over, you’ll either be doing more interviews or promos so that will obviously take up your time and those times when you actually have time to breathe, you’d probably want to spend your down time alone after spending nearly three months with other people. Besides, you’ll be occupied trying to figure out university because you’ll be starting off not so later after the tour, so I won’t be able to see you. When you go to SMU, then you’ll be completely occupied, so seriously Nast… will I still get to see you?” Nastia fell silent. All that Shawn said was true, she would become busier once the tour was over; university, possibly more endorsements, there may be little time for herself when she thought about it. She deeply sighed and covered her eyes with her free hand and really wondered what she was going to say. She did not want to raise Shawn’s hopes with her own uncertainty and she did not want to lie to Shawn for the sake of making her feel better or herself better.

“Shawn…” Was all she could muster up and say.

“Nastia… will I see you when all of this is over?” Shawn’s voice started to make Nastia break; the fear in Shawn was starting to go through her.

“Yes… yes you will. I will do whatever I can to see you, okay? We’re best friends, and best friends always stick together, right? I’m not going to let you go or stop seeing you, so stop acting like we’ll never see each other again, got that?” Nastia was determined to convince Shawn that things would turn out. She had no idea how things would turn out because it was still early to say anything for sure, but some things were definite such as university.

“Are you by yourself?” Shawn’s question caught Nastia off guard, throwing her into a loop.

“So you know, we’re supposed to be trying to stay healthy during the tour. We shouldn’t be eating too much candy,” Nastia stated, leaning back on the couch beside Shawn, looking at the other five before taking a look at the large bowl of candy corn on the glass coffee table. She watched as everyone, in their orange and green sweats, continuously eat the candy corn placed in front of them; occasionally taking a couple for herself.

“Says the girl who nearly ate half of the bowl,” Alicia stated, tossing a candy corn into the air, nearly catching it in her mouth. She almost caught it if it wasn’t for the other piece of corn that hit her on the face, forcing her to look away, and having the piece she threw up in the air hitting her on the top of the head. She turned to the direction from whence the piece came from and found Shawn pointing towards Nastia; innocent fear on her face. She turned her attention to Nastia and saw her gaping at Shawn, unable to comprehend that she was practically told on.

“Shawn!” Nastia cried out, watching as the younger girl jumped off of the couch she was sitting on, landing right on Samantha, Chellsie and Bridget’s laps. Those four watched as Alicia and Nastia looked at each other; a kind of confidence on their faces as they approached the bowl of candy corn on the table.

“Oh no,” Chellsie breathed, noticing the growing predatory looks on the other two’s faces.

“Someone grab the bowl,” Samantha whispered, watching as the older girls neared the bowl, but no one moved an inch from the couch.

“You honestly think I’m going to jump in there? I’m not going to survive,” Shawn muttered, looking over her shoulder too look at Samantha in utter disbelief.

“Oh crap! Dive! Dive! Dive!” Bridget abruptly cried out, watching as Alicia and Nastia both savagely reach for the bowl. She unceremoniously shoved Shawn off of her and onto the carpet, while she grabbed Chellsie and dove to the floor, joining Shawn.

“That’s for throwing it at me!” Alicia cried out, chucking a handful of corn at Nastia, hitting her in the face all at once. The other girl gasped and grabbed a handful of corn and followed Alicia, who started to move away, throwing the corn in her hand at her. Unfortunately for Samantha, Nastia missed her target and ended up hitting her square in the face. The younger blonde blankly stared at Nastia and blinked a few times.

Suddenly, a menacing silence fell upon the room; Nastia stood beside the coffee table with her hands over her mouth, looking at Samantha; who had an unfaltering look on her face. Chellsie, Bridget and Shawn slowly crawled to the end of the couch, with hopes of avoiding a possible fallout. They all watched as Samantha calmly and quietly made her way to the bowl of candy corn, taking two handfuls of the candy; one handful ended up on Nastia’s head while the other made it on Alicia’s head.

“Oh… crap…” Bridget muttered, watching as the three girls simply look at each other with no expression on their faces.

“Food fight!” Alicia cried out, running towards the bowl while the others did the same. All of them attempted to attack each other with candy corn; candy flying all over the room. The entire room was filled with laughter and covered with candy corn.

“Not the hair!” Alicia shouted, feeling some of the corn fly into her hair and stay embedded. To her dislike, the others chucked more corn into her hair. However, she managed to stand up, grabbing someone’s hand and taking them down on the couch.

“Ah!” Shawn yelped, as she found herself thrown on the couch. She saw Alicia’s hands ready to tickle her sides, but to her surprise, found Samantha jumping on the older girl’s back.

“Back away from the girl!” Samantha shouted, managing to pull Alicia away.

“Hey, back off!” Nastia called out, trying to yank the younger blonde off of Alicia’s back.

“Hey now! Let’s calm down!” Chellsie stated, trying to separate the girls from each other. Bridget attempted the same, but found herself being slapped across the forehead by Samantha when she was getting pulled off.

“Oh, you did not!” Bridget cried out, glaring at Samantha. The other girl’s eyes opened wide and she immediately jumped off of Alicia’s back, heading for the bedroom.

“Pillow fight!” Alicia shouted, watching as Bridget run after Samantha. A collective fit of laughter found its way to the bedroom and a flurry of feathers made its way out the door. Maybe too much candy corn wasn’t too bad after all.

Title: Who Do You Think You Are
Rating: G
Fandom: USWGT
Song: Who Do You Think You Are – Spice Girls
Notes: I do not own the people referred in here nor do I own the song that is featured and the song that is mentioned. I heard the song and I had to write something on it. Completely Alternate Universe-it almost went with the tour timeline, but apparently not.
Summary: One song, one impromptu dance party, one party pooper. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Luckily, that night was one of the nights where everyone could finally relax. Alicia, Shawn, Bridget, Chellsie and Samantha all barged into Nastia’s hotel room, dragging a large stereo with them. Nastia had no say as to whether or not everyone could simply waltz into her room considering Alicia nearly brought down her door with her pounding and that everyone was yelling to get in. Unfortunately for her, sleeping early was completely gone. She sat on the edge of her bed as she watched as Alicia dropped the large stereo on the floor while Samantha pulled out a CD from a case she was holding. She had no idea why everyone wanted to be in her room at that hour; 10:00 being quite late in her eyes, with a stereo. Suddenly, music began to loudly blare from the speakers of the stereo and all that Nastia could do was fall back onto her bed and grab her pillow, pulling it onto her face.

“The race is on to get out of the bottom,” Alicia half-sang, half-called out as she hopped towards Samantha.

“The top is high so your roots are forgotten,” Samantha half-sang as well, looking at Alicia.

“Giving is good, as long as you’re getting,” Chellsie loudly sang, looking over at Bridget.

“What’s driving you is ambition and betting,” Shawn sang, walking over to Nastia and ripping the pillow away from the older girl’s face. She grinned at the exasperated look on Nastia’s face as she pulled her up onto her feet.

“I said-ah who do you think you are, do you think you are, I said-ah who some kind of superstar, you have got to!” Bridget continued on, looking over her shoulder at Shawn and Nastia; noticing the deadpanned look on Nastia’s face.

“Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are? Trust it, use it, prove it, groove, show me how good you are! Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are? Trust it, use it, prove it, groove, show how good you are!” Nastia’s jaw dropped during the chorus and she fell back onto her bed when she saw all of her friends doing the same choreography-the exact choreography for the song that the Spice Girls did for their concerts. She thought that the Soulja Boi dance was something she would never understand, but this, this took the cake. However, she found herself being pulled back onto her feet when Shawn grabbed her hands and pulled her up; the younger girl was not going to leave her on the bed.

“Don’t be a party pooper, Nast!” Shawn called out, over the loud music. She pulled Nastia further from the bed to make sure she would not collapse on it again. She was determined to get Nastia to dance, even if it meant coercing her to do so.

“You’re swelling out in the wrong direction,” Alicia sang, taking Samantha’s hands into her own; both of them jumping onto the bed and leaping on it.

“You’ve got the bug, superstar you’ve been bitten!” Samantha half-sang and half-laughed as she and Alicia kept jumping on the bed.

“Your trumpet’s blowing for far too long!” Shawn and Chellsie cried out.

“Climbing the snake up the ladder, but you’re wrong!” Samantha and Alicia both called out, jumping off the bed and landing beside Nastia and Shawn, completely ignoring the tenants beneath them.

“I said-ah who do you think you are, do you think are! I said-ah who some kind of superstar, you have go to!” Bridget came in, taking Chellsie’s hand and pulling her to create a small circle around Nastia and Shawn. Nastia sighed and covered her face with her hands as her friends began to do the same choreographed routine for the chorus again. All of them were singing loudly and she knew that she would get kicked out of her room or the hotel for that matter because of this.

“Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are? Trust it, use it, prove it, groove, show me how good you are! Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are? Trust it, use it, prove it, groove, show how good you are!” Everyone began to hip bump each other during the small break; everyone was laughing and smiling during the entire thing despite Nastia completely staying silent and giving everyone death glares that could have possibly killed them all. Suddenly, everyone stopped and Shawn pulled away Nastia’s hands from her face and pointed towards the older girl. Nastia could see the determination on Shawn’s face, but she was not going to give in; not now, not ever.

“You have got to reach on up, never lose your soul. You have got to reach on up, never lose control!” Shawn sung by herself, pointing from Nastia to the ceiling, slowly wagging her finger down before pointing back to Nastia and doing the same actions again.

“Come on, Nastia, you can’t beat us or girl power!” Alicia called out, trying to coax the other girl into joining them.

“I said-ah who do you think you are, do you think are! I said-ah who some kind of superstar, you have go to!” Everyone, but Nastia, loudly sang, noticing the unchanged deadpanned look on the Russian’s face. However, when the chorus came, they heard a loud grunt in disapproval, but saw faint smile on Nastia’s face.

“Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are? Trust it, use it, prove it, groove, show me how good you are! Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are? Trust it, use it, prove it, groove, show how good you are!” Nastia finally joined in, realizing that if she couldn’t beat them that she would have to join them. She shook her head as she took part of the group choreographed routine for the chorus but when the chorus came up again, she sang all the other parts and grabbed Shawn’s hands, swinging her around.

“Swing! Shake! Move it! Make it! Trust it! Use it! Prove it! Groove it!” Nastia sang quite loudly, louder than the others and as the song came to an end, she collapsed on her bed, pulling Shawn down with her. The two looked at each other and the others all looked at each other and grinned before quickly bolting out of the room, dimming the lights down. To their unknown amusement, 2 Become 1 began to play.