Thoughts…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted and despite that continual brainwaves and braincramps I keep having, I end up being a little lethargic to post anything. I’m not even that busy so I should be able to post something, oh well. Anyways, the reason for this post is simply for the idea of new changes. There’s plenty of new changes going on for me and I want to talk about changes in general; big or small.

The first change is the fact that I’ve started to listen to slow jams once again. Some of my friends may say that it isn’t a good thing, but I don’t know… I have to eventally deal with what happens. You may ask as to what happens, right? Well, what happens is that I delve into the emotional side of myself where all my thoughts and feelings lie and where I actually can think without the real world interfering. Basically, slow jams will make me think. Unfortunately, when I think, it isn’t always the best thing. Thinking in general isn’t bad, but thinking at a level where you question life itself; where reality and fantasy clash, it can be dangerous. Why is it dangerous? Well, you start to question everything you’ve learned and refuse to stop thinking until you’ve found an answer you’re satisfied with. You keep diving into yourself to understand what’s happening, why you’re in this world, why everything is being as it is, and you seem to dig a hole for yourself. What really really sucks is that when you’ve gone too deep into your mentality and end up losing a sense of reality. Wow, this is just hard to talk about speaking in general terms… let’s use myself. I’ve driven myself so deep into my mentality to the point where you start to lose yourself. I didn’t know why I existed, I didn’t know what I was meant to do in life, I didn’t understand why I always had it rough and it nearly drove me off the edge. Slow jams didn’t exactly help– well the kinds I listened to. All the lovey dovey, heart broken stuff… yeah that was really smart of me. Luckily, I had friends to pull me out of that hole I dug myself into. Due to that first experience with slow jams, I ended up laying off of listening to them. However, the good part about having slow jams was that it helped me write. It made me more emotionally aware and more descriptive– notice how all the great writers were depressed, but I refuse to be like that. I still have to keep part of myself detached from slow jams or else I’ll be digging another hole. Wow, I have no idea if any of that made sense… Well, here’s what I see when I listen to slow jams.

Some slow jams I listen to make you think. Depending on your situation or the moment you are listening to a slow jam, it can either be a good or bad thing. It’s a bad thing when you’re feeling like crap because you listen to the lyrics and wonder why your life is like that song or you wonder why your life isn’t like that song. Then you wonder if what you’re going through is fair because you see others who have it easier, but you don’t realize that these other people may have it rough. You go off thinking you have it harder, but you chose to ignore the reality’s logic that no one is always in a fair situation because you’ve thought that you’ve hit the lowest of low compared to others, then reality finally hits you and you figure out that you’re one of the many people who have it rough, but you chose to express your feelings. Unfortunately, it takes a while until reality sets into some people because continually being bombarded with hardships and always being bogged down with every blow keeps you thinking lowly. However, always having your friends around, true friends is key when this sort of thing happens. They keep you sane, along with your family.

Okay, I think that made no sense again. Wow… it keeps digressing. Let’s talk about the BIG change. The big change would be university. It’s a big change, being in a new school, new classmates, new professors– overall different environment. I’m not going back to that small high school of 200, where all the teachers and students know each other. No, I’m going to a rather large university that houses possibly thousands of students. Now, everyone doesn’t know each other, it’s not like high school where you know the teacher straight up, who’s in your class and always seeing the same faces in the morning until the end of the day. With university, I’m stuck trying to find out where my classes are, how much my books cost and whether or not I’ll survive with the classes I’ve chosen. The reality that classes start next week, on the 3rd, is a big thought. I have orientations today and tomorrow. People are saying, “Are you ready? Are you scared? Are you excited?” and all I have to say is “I’ll deal with it when I get there” because right now I’m neither excited nor anxious. I believe I’ve wasted most of my energy being anxious and excited in grade 11 and the middle of grade 12 because all I see right now is that “It’s another day at school. I’ll go to university, meet people, go on with classes and go home.” I simply see it as an extension of my education where the priority is to get good grades, do what I love and make friends so I stay sane. I think reality will smack me right in the face the moment classes start, or the moment I step into the university with a different incentive; not buying books or going to an orientation, but actually going to classes. University will be a big change. Different routine and overall different experience. Hopefully I don’t get lost on the first week of school… that would suck.

Right! Really long post. Hopefully it made sense.

What am I listening to: My Happy Ending – Avril Lavigne

P.S. I should learn to play that song on guitar. =)