Thoughts…

“I was merely sorting out my binder…and found a piece of paper that was folded up into near non-existence caught my eye.”

I should be studying and reading my textbooks as well as working on my lab, but I felt the need to write something. However irrelevant or odd this is, I just needed to write something out. I decided to switch binders because I knew my current one wasn’t going to stay together and it felt huge. It looked huge for that matter.

So, I was merely going through my current binder and thought that everything will fit in the other one as long as I removed the old stuff inside of the other binder. I opened the binder and raised an eyebrow at how much… stuff… was there. Pens, pencils, paperclips, erasers, sticky dividers, post-it notes- the whole nine yards apparently was in there. I pulled out all the old notes and replaced them with the ones I made this year. It was kind of a hassle when I realized how much papers were being forced into the small rings. So, of course I pulled out the excess papers and started to clean up the mesh pocket of doom on the side.

I pulled out the highlighters, the pencils, pens, paperclips and what not that was in that small pocket and found a piece of paper that was folded into near non-existence caught my eye. I thought that it was a random drawing I made during a Philosophy class, but it ended up being a poem. I furrowed my brow at the really neat writing because I knew that this poem was more than something written during a period of boredom. There was some kind importance behind it that really made me curl my lips. All the spacing, curves and alignment seemed to be perfect and that was a sure sign that this was written with a heavy emotion behind it. There seemed to be a very deep force that led me to make this perfect.

So I read it over and narrowed my eyes when I realized what the poem was about. It took me reading until halfway into the writing to remind myself what was going on, who I was talking about, and why I was talking about it. Should I write out this poem? Eh, why not, all my other poems are on here. Here we go:

A simple feeling,
That is what will forever grip my soul.
The feeling that claims simplicity also claims complexity.
It leaves me confused, lost, broken and yet hopeful.
Confusion, because I don’t know why I feel this way.
Lost, because I don’t know if I should feel this way.
Broken, for I don’t know if you’ll ever feel the same.
Hopeful, for that you and I could be more than friends.
I can’t understand if feeling this could potentially risk everything between us.
I choose to stay silent.
I refuse to gamble our friendship because of how I feel.
You have someone else in your life that needs your attention.
My telling you how I feel could interfere your relationship with them, or us.
I only want you to be happy, nothing less.
My happiness should not be the cause of your sadness.
Why must I love you from afar?
It feels so painful.
Hoping for the impossible is what I can simply do.
A feeling so strong that can barely be acted upon;
I’ll simply stand here and pretend everything is okay.
Anonymous is how I’ll remain.
Attempting to know who I am is futile.
I’m already invisible in your eyes.
Leave to it that you know I care about you.
Leave to it that our friendship is what I will hold onto.
You know my name, but you don’t know me.
Understand that I’ll always be your friend if that becomes all we’ll ever be.
I’m right here, but you’ll never see me.

Can I just say… whoa? I definitely edited that entire thing when I realized how off it sounded in my head. Right now, I’m amused at how one little piece of paper pulls out a string of emotions. It also causes a reaction: self-reflection. Looking back on this poem now, I still feel that way. Everything here has subtext, I’m merely reporting on things I don’t see. Then again, whenever I write, I focus on the subtext of everything instead of focusing on what is right in my face. Who knows if this person likes me back the same way. Who knows if I’m over-analyzing everything. All I know is, looking back at this and thinking of where I am right now… I still don’t have the courage to do anything about this situation. Then again, should I do anything?