Thoughts…

I will always be your friend
I know who you are inside
I am with you till the end
Never far behind
I am standing in the distance
You can take your time
And I will be there waiting
Never far behind

~ Never Far Behind by Aly and AJ

It really depends on your perspective when you read that title. What do you think I mean when I say “Never far behind?” Do you think I’m talking about reality? The problems that come with our life? Friends? Family? Well, this is what I mean when I say “Never far behind”.

I guess that today I’m feeling a little emotional. Heh, my friends will ask “since when have you not been emotional?” and I’ll say “FU!” Kidding! I’m just kidding! I probably wouldn’t say “FU!” per sé, but I’ll probably stare at the person blankly and shake my head. Anyways! You can say that I’m more emotional today than usual. But then, another person will say- well whatever, that’s another story or problem for another day.

Today, it was a good day. Woke up feeling energetic, ready to face the day, had my essay in my binder, had my iPod and cellphone charged, got my skates cleaned and the weather wasn’t too bad. I almost got hit by a car on the way to class, but whatever… that was just weird. I rolled into class- more like dragged and wheeled into class, but overall it was a good class. Though, sometimes I ask myself why I go through that class because some things just strike a chord and I don’t know how I should take it. Sharing experiences related to the topic is hard for me, I mean, nothing is really easy. Then again, life isn’t easy, but does it really have to be this hard? Do the constant struggles have to pile up like this? One good day and then problems arise again. It feels like my problems are so close and no matter how fast or far I run, I have a feeling that something might happen sooner or later. Rawr.

Maybe it’s the pessimist side of me that I have trouble dealing with that leads me to see things negatively. I’m always focusing on the negativity that I don’t see the positive results of what just happened. Maybe not always, but it has become a habit that I’ve fallen into so frequently. Being lost in the abyss of darkness, feeling alone and confused… it’s tough. Constantly wondering and waiting when the next problem will happen. The pessimism grows and as much as you try to change and try to be positive… you realize that the way you’ve acted so many times- being negative- follows suit so fast and it’s easier to fall into that kind of mindframe… it’s familiar.

Rawr. I have no reason why I say rawr now. I don’t say it out loud, but oh well. Let’s continue on, shan’t we?

When problems occur, you turn to people you know who cares and will listen. Well, that’s what I do, talk to someone I know who won’t shrug off what I’m saying and try to help me or just talk to me. The support system. Friends. Friends who become the support system that help you go through the problems that occur in daily life. They are the ones who help you through the times of crisis. They are the ones who you know will be around when you need a friend or help. The people who stay by your side no matter what; through whatever problem, issue, dilemma, and accept the way you act or react to a problem (even if they want to smack you over the head or punch you in the face), don’t judge you and help you are those who matter the most. They are the ones who’ll matter the most in your life because you can depend on them and hopefully they can depend on you. (Note: one-sided relationships… especially this kind of relationship… always taking and never giving back… just remember to give back.)

With that in mind, it’s good to know that people will be around and that you’re not alone. There are people who care even if it feels like you’re alone versus the world.  You’re never alone.

I went through an entire spiel that just expanded from my morning. What about the rest of the day, you ask. Here’s the rest of the day: break, lunch, interview, meeting(s), chill out, home. You’ll ask why there are no specifics, but I’ll say “everything that I felt during that morning class, what I learned, and what I had to dig up just to participate in that class panned out for the rest of the day. The entire day was centred around conflict. What kind? Well, that’s for me to know and you to probably not find out… unless you already know”. Everything was good, but once that feeling of sadness goes through me, it spreads and- it feels like a disease. It won’t go away unless I fight back. Sometimes I fight back, but other times I let it consume me because I’m tired of fighting. Or, I’m tired of running. I usually run from feeling sad instead of facing up to it and saying “I don’t want to feel like this anymore- it’s time to let go”. I’m a runner. I avoid. I hope problems go away, but that isn’t how it works. Not in this life. Not in this reality. Probably in any kind of reality. Owning up to what is wrong and bracing yourself for the impact is what you should do because despite every beating you take, you learn and realize that you can take it. If you need help to cope, you ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness because without help, sometimes, you might not be able to cope at all. Once you realize you can handle that problem, you know that you can probably handle whatever comes next. I’m just glad that there are people I can turn to for help. You know who you are and I thank you.

Thank you note: Thank you for helping me when I needed the help. Thank you so much for putting up with me because I know I’m not the easiest person to handle, but I’m glad that you understand. I’m really glad that I found you all because without you, I don’t know where I’d be right now. You guys are awesome and I love you all.

My final thoughts on this: Problems may always be near, and so will the negativity that comes along, but always know that friends and family are never far behind- you’re never alone.

***

Other stuff? I feel like being random. I want to throw something else in here. A poem? Song lyrics from the song that is playing while I write this? Let’s write a poem and throw the lyrics up front.

The deafening silence fills the air
And you wonder what you’re supposed to do.
You try to focus on the good day you had
But something else starts to eat at you.

You take a deep breath
And try to listen for something other than the silence.
You start to hear a quiet beat
Which is really your heart beating.

Thoughts fill your mind
And your life seems to flash before your eyes.
You wonder what it means
But then you realize that you’re reflecting in disguise.

You don’t understand until later
When your heart begins to ache.
Something in your past
Is about to make you break.

You reach for closest thing near you;
A pillow, a blanket, your phone, your computer, a teddy bear.
You steady yourself
And find out that you’re turning to a friend.

The pillow that you snuggled to,
The blanket that comforted you,
The voice through the phone,
The messages on the computer,
The bright eyes of a friend that was always there.

You hold onto whatever you have
And you pray that it doesn’t get taken away.
You try to feel better
And it works.

Maybe not right away,
But somewhere along the line…
Whatever ate at your heart
Is slowly disappearing.

You know that you’ll feel this way again
But you know that someone will be there to help.
Holding on and fighting is all you can do
But you know that you’re not alone.

Your friends are never far behind.