Thoughts…

Title: I Love You From Afar

Pairing: Alicia/ Nastia, Shawn/Nastia (squint for this pairing) Alicia/Sam (squint for this one too)

Song: What Hurts the Most – Rascal Flatts/ Cascada/ Jo O’ Meara

Rating: PG

Notes: I do not own the song, nor the characters. This is rather angsty stuff, so be warned- if you’re depressed, don’t read this yet. Takes place during the Beijing Olympics. Please note that I may be emphasizing some things that may be seen disagreeable (it’s in the first couple of lines… ha… ha…), but consider it from the character’s point of view, not mine.

Summary: She has to smile even when it hurts.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most was being

so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

I’m saying that loving you

That’s what I was tryin’ to do

Alicia dejectedly walked into the room she shared with Samantha, despite their efforts of winning silver in the gymnastics team finals. Even though the majority of the team suffered point deductions throughout the finals, she felt that she made the team suffer immensely with her performances. She fell off the balance beam from a mount she had continuously attempted to perfect prior the Olympics and she fell again in her floor routine. It was supposed to be her moment; a comeback, but it turned out disastrous. She was supposed to be seen as the one who had the experience to keep her cool during these kinds of times, but she let her nerves get to her, making her do those avoidable mistakes.

“Alicia… it’s not your fault,” Samantha whispered, trying to console the other girl. She watched as Alicia pad for her bed, climbing in and sitting at the head of the bed, with her knees pulled up and arms around her legs. She followed the other girl and sat beside her, wrapping a comforting arm around her.

“How the hell isn’t it my fault?” Alicia thought, leaning her head against her knees. She believed that because of her falls, it degraded the morale of the team, which made Nastia and Shawn step out of bounds during their floor routine.

“Alicia, it could’ve happened to anyone at anytime. You can’t blame yourself for this because you’re a great gymnast and all great gymnasts will have their faults,” Samantha tried to explain, rubbing her hand across Alicia’s back. Unfortunately for her, she was met with a very strong reply.

“How do I not blame myself, Sam? I was supposed to be the comeback kid and be that gymnast that would secure the U. S. Team the gold, but no, I came back and ended up screwing us over!” Alicia snapped back, her anger and frustration resonating in her voice. She looked over at the other girl and saw the shocked look on her face which made her mentally curse herself.

“Alicia-” Alicia raised her hand and interjected.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t of said that.” Samantha sighed, but nodded. She knew what the other girl was going through, so she couldn’t tell her off about getting over what she was feeling- not yet. Instead, she pulled Alicia into a hug and kissed her on the temple.

“I’ll let you brood… but if you’re still brooding by the time we get back to America… well be prepared to deal with me,” Samantha snickered, pulling away, looking over at the other girl. She saw the faint smile on Alicia’s face which made her smile.

“Thanks…” Alicia whispered, watching the other girl stand up from the bed.

“I’m here for you if you need to talk, okay?” Alicia half-smiled and nodded, watching the other girl nod back towards her before walking towards the bathroom. She leant her head back against her knees as she heard the bathroom door close and the shower run. The feelings of guilt, frustration and anger surged through her, but she couldn’t do anything about; well she could, but it would have counted as something irrational.

“Augh.” Alicia groaned and realized staying in the room wasn’t going to make her feel any better. She climbed out of the bed and looked at herself in the mirror, staring at the silver medal that hung around her neck. Out of irritation, she pulled the medal off of her neck and tossed it onto the bed before changing out of her uniform into a pair of jeans and a blue long sleeved shirt.

As she headed towards the door of the room, Alicia half-opened the door before questioning whether or not she should tell Samantha she was leaving; for all she knew, the other girl might jump to conclusions about her disappearance. She risked it, walking out of the door without a word.

Samantha, realizing she forgot something, went back into the bedroom. She opened the bathroom door to find Alicia still brooding on the bed, but the other girl wasn’t there. She didn’t let it faze her, knowing that the older girl needed her space and that she wanted to process all that had happened on her own. She also noticed that Alicia’s medal was lying haphazardly on the bed with her uniform. She walked over to the bed and sat on the edge, noticing the slightly torn seam on the ribbon. Picking up the medal in one hand, Samantha started to the trace the medal with her other hand.

“Oh Alicia…” Samantha whispered, covering the medal with both of her hands.

***

Alicia started to make her way down the long hallway towards the elevator. She believed that a walk outside would be nice or at least a break outside would do her some good. She clasped her hands behind her neck as she kept her gaze towards the floor, trying to understand how she could do perform so bad that night. Her teammates were doing so well with their events, but when it came to her, where it mattered possibly the most, she failed. The first fall on the beam was something she could live with and get over, but falling a second time on the floor; that was simply much more harder to live with. She felt that her falls shook the rest of the team up which led to their faults, but it could have been much more complicated than that. Nonetheless, she felt responsible for the team’s loss; especially one person’s loss.

“It’s going to be okay…” A sweet voice whispered inside her head.

As Alicia continued to walk down the hallway, she remained mentally preoccupied which led her to walking into someone. She stumbled back a few steps, but remained standing, as she was pulled out of her thoughts.

“S-Sorry,” Alicia stammered, apologizing for the minor accident. She didn’t even bother looking up to see who she walked into, but rather kept walking along. As she took a few steps, she felt a hand cover her shoulder.

“I said I was-”

“Alicia, it’s only me, breathe.” Alicia moved her hands from behind her neck to her sides as she turned around to see who it was. She looked to see who she walked into and saw it was Nastia. Despite her feeling of comfort that it was only her teammate she walked into and not another person, she still felt anxious.

“Oh… Hey Nastia, sorry I walked into you,” Alicia breathed, turning her gaze away from the other girl. She waited for a word of dismissal, but heard none.

“It’s all right. Have you been crying?” Alicia turned her gaze back to Nastia, wondering where the other girl gained that idea. To her surprise, Alicia found tears on her cheeks as she lifted a hand to touch her face. Mildly chuckling, she wiped them away.

“Apparently,” Alicia answered, hoping she could leave. She looked over at Nastia and saw a look of worry on her face which made her even more anxious.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Nastia softly asked, placing a hand on Alicia’s shoulder. She saw the internal conflict in the other girl’s eyes and she kept silent, not wanting to pressure the other girl to do something she didn’t want to.

“Sure,” Alicia breathed, only to blink several times at what she said. She didn’t mean to agree with her, she was supposed to say ‘no, it’s okay’ and move along. Before she could say anything, Alicia found herself being led down the hallway. She looked down and saw her hand clasped with Nastia’s and it made her faintly smile.

As they arrived at a door, Nastia released Alicia’s hand and pulled out her keycard, swiping it in and unlocking the door. She opened the door, and walked in, but looked back to see Alicia planted outside in the hallway.

“You can come in, it’ll be the two of us. Shawn’s parents took her out and she won’t be back until later,” Nastia explained, noticing the hesitation on Alicia’s face. She saw the other girl remain out in the hallway so out of quick-thinking, she pulled Alicia inside, closing the door behind her.

Alicia bit her lower lip as she walked in, noticing the cleanliness of the space compared to her room with Samantha. She saw Nastia’s clothes neatly folded on one of the beds and took on a seat on the edge of that bed with her hands clasped in her lap. She watched as Nastia walk over to the other bed and sit across from her, eyes boring through her.

“What’s wrong Alicia, besides the obvious?” Nastia cautiously asked, making sure she worded her question wisely.

“Nothing else is wrong, Nastia! I’m pissed off that I fell twice, that’s all,” Alicia snapped back, causing the other girl to flinch. She didn’t mean to reply like that and not to her. She rubbed her face with her hands and deeply sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Nastia reached out and took Alicia’s hands into her own, holding them. She knelt down in front of Alicia to get her to look at her and what she saw made her heart break. There were more tears falling down Alicia’s face and there was a deeper look of pain in her eyes, and from that, Nastia knew that Alicia was hurting for more than what she said.

“Alicia, tell me what’s wrong. Don’t tell me nothing else is wrong because I can see it in your eyes. Please Alicia, talk to me,” Nastia pled, looking up at the other girl. She tightened her grip around Alicia’s hands, hoping to urge her on.

“Nastia…” Alicia whispered, feeling herself continue to break inside. She looked straight down towards her lap and the tears had forcefully made their way down her cheeks.

“Alicia…it’s going to be okay,” Nastia whispered, moving from the floor. She released Alicia’s hands and sat beside her, holding her. She felt Alicia’s arms wrap around her and then she felt something go through her.

“It’s… not… going to… be okay…” Alicia stammered, trying to stay relatively coherent. She felt the arms around her tighten and it both comforted and hurt her.

“Alicia… tell me what’s wrong,” Nastia whispered, rubbing one of her hands across Alicia’s back. She pulled away as Alicia tried to look at her. She watched as the older girl took a deep breath and wiped her face with one of her hands.

“I love you,” Alicia whispered, trying to explain her pain. She saw the confused look on the other girl’s face.

“I love you too, you know that,” Nastia replied back, noticing the unease from the other girl. Alicia looked up at her and tried to speak to her with her eyes. She saw the slow understanding from Nastia.

“Alicia-”

“Nastia?” The two girls looked over at the door, hearing another voice from the other side of it.

“Yeah?” Nastia called out, wishing that the interruption didn’t occur.

“Can you let me in, I kind of forgot my keycard.” Nastia shut her eyes and released an irritated breath. She released her hold on Alicia and stood up, walking over to the side table and retrieving the spare keycard that was on top of it. She walked over to the door and opened it, looking down at the other person.

“Explain to me how you can forget your keycard,” Nastia stated, raising an eyebrow at her roommate as she held up the card in front of her.

“I’m sorry, but I forgot to put it back in my wallet before I went to sleep,” Shawn honestly explained, looking up at her best friend. She started to put on a pout, hoping she could get away with this mistake knowing how much Nastia would be annoyed. She saw the rather frustrated look on the blonde’s face and saw that she started to soften. She heard the taller girl release an irritated sigh before pulling her into a hug.

“If you weren’t cute, I would kick you out,” Nastia stated, lightly squeezing the other girl.

Alicia stood up from the bed and cautiously look around the corner to see Nastia and Shawn hugging each other. She wiped her tears with the back of her hands despite the feeling of new tears starting to brim in her eyes. She felt her heart break at the sight and she knew that she didn’t have a chance.

“All right, all right, I’m sorry about my keycard, but I really have to go. My parents are waiting for me,” Shawn stated, pulling away from Nastia. She saw the questioning look on Nastia’s face and sighed.

“You didn’t leave yet?”

“They asked me if I had my keycard and I checked my wallet only to remember I left if here. Now, if you don’t mind, I have some shopping to do,” Shawn brightly smiled, hugging Nastia once more before taking her keycard and taking off down the hallway. Nastia lightly laughed before walking back into her room. She closed the door and saw Alicia even more broken than before. She was about to say something, but the older girl raised her hand and walked past her.

“It’s about you two, not you and me,” Alicia breathed as she kept stepping back towards the door.

“Alicia…” Nastia whispered.

“You don’t love me like that, you love her,” Alicia stated, wiping her face one last time before turning around and opening the door. She blindly walked out, only to walk into someone once again.

“Oh, sorry,” Shawn apologized, stepping back to see who she walked into. Alicia shut her eyes and plastered on a smile as she turned towards the younger girl.

“It’s okay,” Alicia replied back, keeping her eyes shut. To her surprise, she found herself enveloped into another hug which opened her eyes.

“It’ll be okay, Alicia. You have your friends to back you up and never forget you’re alone,” Shawn whispered, instantly thinking that it was the finals that was unnerving the other girl. However, she did know the real reason why Alicia was feeling what she felt; she could see.

“Thanks Shawn,” Alicia whispered, hugging the other girl.

“You’ll get through this… and what you truly feel,” Shawn quietly whispered, hoping Nastia didn’t hear her. She pulled away from the taller girl and smiled at her, noticing the relative shock on Alicia’s face. She gave Alicia a knowing look which spoke words to her.

“I’ll see you two later…” Alicia whispered, before walking away.

As Alicia turned the corner, Nastia looked over at Shawn with a questioning look. The younger girl looked up at her and shrugged.

“What? I forgot my hat,” Shawn replied back, walking past the other girl. Nastia shook her head as she watched the other girl walk into the room. She couldn’t help but think of what Alicia said and how she looked at her. She knew what the older girl meant and she wanted to talk to her, but she walked away. She knew she had to talk to her again, hopefully with no disruptions.

***

As Alicia walked into her shared hotel room, she saw Samantha newly showered wearing a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt sitting on her bed, holding her medal. The younger girl stood up and dropped the medal on the bed before walking towards her, pulling her into a hug. Now, the onslaught of tears had come; Alicia couldn’t hold them back anymore.

“It’s going to be okay,” Samantha whispered, rubbing her hand across Alicia’s back. Alicia kept crying, thinking about everything.

“I wanted to say thank you for being there for me. I wanted to say I’m sorry for ruining our chances. I wanted to say I hate it when I love you because it hurts. I wanted to say that I loved those times we spent together. I wanted to say that I felt special every time you came to me for help. I wanted you to be proud of me today, but I failed. Now, I failed again… I just walked away from you and all I wanted to do was love you.”

***

Here’s the thing, I feel that this is complete, but still incomplete. I would continue on, but then I would need another song. Here’s the deal: would you like to see a sequel to this? If so, should I continue the pairing, or change it to the latter of the three pairings listed?